The devil is good at pretending

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These words right here, they hit me like a pile of bricks. The say everything I have ever wanted to say.

I have been in many relationships but one there’s one stands out among all the rest. This was my first real love, a kind of love I could hold on to. Among all the chaos the world would throw at me that love was there. I thought for a very long time that everything he promised me was all I needed. But like so much of that relationship, it was all dust in the wind. He promised me the world, but never delivered. He promised me change and yet he stayed the same. He promised me a life of love and happiness, and I got lies and anger. It took me two years to see that everything he was selling was an illusion. It took me just as long to see what he was doing to me. The devil has a way of bringing you down without even knowing your down.  Leaving that relationship was the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I was scared I was making the wrong choice, I even later accused of cheating. I even was talked to as if I was the “bad guy.” None of that matter to me, I left because I owed it to myself to leave.

I have been in the presence of the devil many times, and every time I didn’t know until it was too late. The thing with being around the devil is you don’t have to feel, anything. For me, as a person who feels everything, this is amazing. It is so inviting, and easy. To just immerse yourself in nothingness; I loved it. The thing I hadn’t realized is it molds you in its own image. You lose your control, you lose yourself. As much as I enjoy the darkness, I enjoy the light more. That is what has saved me so many times.  I have spent many lifetimes in darkness, and this will not be one them. So I left a relationship that I thought would last forever because it was toxic to me. I left friends that did not aid in my growth and I will continue to leave what doesn’t aid me in my growth. Darkness may tempt me, it may invite me in but I will always choose the light. It is where I belong; it’s who I have become.

Spend sometime on myself

Today I have set aside to have some me time. All the family activities do not start until the weekend, I have finished shopping and decorating; so it is time is right. I knew that I wanted to have a release to end the year out right. I wanted to go deeper into myself than I have ever gone before; and with mercury in retrograde this is the perfect time for it.

Over the past week or so, I have kept myself so busy so I wouldn’t have to deal with anything, I wasn’t ready; but now I am. So I started out my day like I normally do, drinking some hot herbal tea, making a nice breakfast for myself, and walking the dog. I love to walk, even though it is winter now and the temperatures aren’t ideal, I still like to burn off some extra energy. I said my thank you’s to the universe and the elements as I do every day, I then took a deep breathe in and exhaled. There is something about the cold, fresh air coming into your body that just makes you feel good, at least for me.

When we came inside, I gave the dog his treat and came upstairs to my room. A friend had told me to try TAT for releasing, I had never heard of this practice before so I went to YouTube to see what videos I could find. It turns out it’s a very easy exercise that doesn’t take up much time. I thought everything that I wanted to release, and everything I wasn’t aware of that I wanted to release. I took some deep breathes in and out and just let it sail away. I did the exercise twice for about 2 minutes each, and I feel so much lighter. I find it crazy that the simplest things can make all the difference.

I then did a past life regression, it had been a week or so since my last one and I felt compelled to do so, so I did. I started off the way I normally do, asking for protection and wrapping myself in light. I began to go into mediation, when I finally came to my book it opened and I watched as another life unfolded in front of me…..

This time I was a woman with long brown hair with a brown thin headband, I was wearing fingerless gloves made from leather. My corset top was also made of leather, as was my skirt. My skirt at one point had fabrics attached to it which were now ripped off. I had tall leather boots, and a holster made of leather around my thigh that held two small knifes. I also was carrying a large sward holster around my waist with a rather large, heavy sword in it. I was carrying a small brown book in my hands; it had a leather cord wrapped around it to keep the book closed. When I brought the book closer to me, something fell out of it. It was a torn map, old brownish paper; it was a map to Avalon. I was traveling home, there were many people and beings that did not want me to return to my home. I fought my way through the battles, and carried on with my travels. That was it; I started to come out of the meditative state and woke. I believe this was my very first life, or one of my first lives.

As I was writing this down in my journal, I had a aha moment. She is the warrior spirit within, the one that never stops fighting for what she believes in. I am on my way to finding my true home, there will be people and distractions along the way but to keep fighting and looking forward. Never give up on yourself or your beliefs. Everything you need or want is inside of you.

On the road to happiness there will be many obstacles and road blocks, keep moving forward. The only person that can hold you back is yourself.

Brake free

The things I hide, the pain that I feel will go away. I no longer need pain to feel alive, or human. When pain comes my way I will feel it, find the lesson and then move on from it. Pain is not meant to define us; it only meant to teach us. Love is what defines us, how freely we love, even if we do not get it in return.  We all have something to teach one another. Love and laughter are the purest parts of the human experience.

I want to break away from the same traps that have always gotten the best of me. I will break away, I will be free.

A glimpse into my soul

A few weeks ago, I saw a dear friend of mine; who also happens to be my reiki master. We did some past life stuff, but also did a tarot card reading. The cards told me that I should do mirror work. Earlier in the day we had discussed it, it something I had never done but have heard great things can come from it. My friend told me she had done this and all the experiences she had from it; and how it helped aid her in spiritual journey.

For those that do not know what mirror work is, it’s when you look in the mirror at yourself. You look into your eyes, since they are the window to the soul; you have an experience of some sort. I was hesitant to do this because of my dislike of mirrors. I am not sure what it is about them but I have never cared for them much. This is why I only have mirror in the bathrooms and don’t look into them often.

Well yesterday, when my husband was home I took the time to try this work. I went into the experience with fear so it only makes sense that I saw, what I saw. I sat down in my room; I got comfortable and began to look in the mirror. After several minutes passed my eyes began to water (which still makes sense to me, since I was still blinking like normal.) Then I saw my face change, it was a face of what I can only assume I demon would look like. It had bumps all over its red skin, it was just darkness. After I saw this face I got a terrible headache. It was at this point that is discounted the work. Everything I had feared about the experience is what I saw.

I don’t know if I saw what I saw because of the fear or if there was a reason. For me this is how I took it….

From all my past life work I know that there was a time when I gave into the darkness. It was easy and I wanted revenge so badly that the cost did not matter. For this I am forever linked to the darkness, it lives inside of me. It is not who I am but it is a part of me. I do not accept these parts of myself, I hide from it. It wants to be free, but I only try harder to lock it away. The reason I saw this face first and so quickly is because it is the part of myself that I need to accept. It is not who I am but it was who I was once. And for this running from it only means I’m running from myself. I need to accept all parts of myself, negative and positive because all of these things make me who I am. We cannot have light without dark. Once I accept this darkness as my own, I will have no reason to be fearful. I will have control over my life and over my actions. Something that I must understand is just because we have a darker side to our soul doesn’t make us a bad person. In fact, it simply makes us human. I am a work in progress; I am getting where I need to be and where I am meant to be.

Owning our darkness is one of the bravest things we can do for ourselves.

Words cut deep

With the super moon over the weekend my energy has been crazy. I know the moon is bringing with it new beginnings and a release, and I am definitely feelings the effects of it. No matter how much work you do on yourself somethings affect you so deeply that the scares they left behind still remain. You think that you have worked passed it, and released all that is associated with it and yet, years later it reemerges to your surprise. This is where I am at currently.

In my late teens I found myself in a bad place, surrounded with people that didn’t care about me. I didn’t care about myself either then; I was just looking for an escape from all the pain I was feeling. I was being mentally abused, told things that no one should come to hear, and let alone believe. I really don’t even know what I was looking for, or who I was looking for. I was so lost, and sad.

One ex-boyfriend would tell me on a daily basis that he cheated on me because I was not worthy of love, and so ugly that no one would ever love me. That I should be happy he is sticking around because he can do better. These words cut me so deeply that it only made things worse but I still stayed with him. Looking back on it now, I don’t even know why I stayed. My guess would be that he was a damaged soul in need of saving, and it was my job to do that. I used to believe I could save the world and everyone in it. Now I believe that we can only change ourselves and our world.

What most people don’t understand is how deeply words can affect someone. Words are not just words, they are knifes that cut so deep the wound never fully heals. Words can lift someone up, or rip someone down. There is a lot of power in the words we say, more power then we give it credit for.

I thought that even though this was close to 10 or so years ago I had healed from it. I had thanked all of those who had hurt me for the lessons they taught me. I released so much, crying until I had no tears left to cry; forgiving so that I could heal and yet the scar remains. That’s the thing about words; they creep into your soul and into your mind. Not giving them another thought at the time meanwhile they are nesting themselves into the fiber of your being. So that they can surface later, sometimes surfacing so often that you begin to believe them; thinking they are your truth. It wipes away every ounce of self-esteem, self-love, and self-worth you ever had; leaving only charred remains of a person left.

I have been in a loving relationship with my husband for 4 years; I know that he loves me without a doubt. Yet, the voices from lovers past tell me their lies. Trying to infect every relationship I ever have. I know have the strength to ignore them and turn their volume down. There are still things I struggle with but I am healing and moving past the pain of the past a little each day. My hope is that one day their voices will fade away and never return. I no longer believe their lies, and that is how I will defeat them. I know my worth and will settle for nothing less. I have found a love within myself for myself that I never knew existed. A strong woman will always threaten a weak man but a strong woman will always compliment a strong man.