New Year, Improved Me

2018 has already brought so many walls crumbling down, I know this will be a beautiful year of manifestation and making dreams come to life.

To celebrate the New Year I took a much needed trip with my sister to Las Vegas. It was my first time visiting there, and I was amazed by the beauty of the city. The dancing fountains were so beautiful that I may have cried a little, but what really got me was the architecture of the buildings. If only people built more things that they loved, putting their heart and soul into them, think of all the beauty we could create. I kept thinking how amazing humans are; building a city in the middle of the desert is incredible.

Even though I was amazed by the city and what man had created, I felt drawn to the mountains. Toward the end of our trip our room had a mountain view, and it was the best view if you ask me. I would wake up in the morning and soak in the beauty. Listening for the wisdom they had to share. Watching the sun come up and highlight the mountains was absolutely breath taking. Even though humans create some really beautiful things, nature’s beauty is next level. The next time I visit Las Vegas, I will be doing some hiking trials and getting in touch with the mountains.

While away on my trip my sister and I shared lots of laughter, made many memories and got to know each other a little better. While away I also was able to gain some perspective that I needed. Often times I need to take myself away from the daily routine of life in order to see what I want, where I am, and what I am doing. I now know what it is what I want out of life, what my goals are, and am going to work hard to make them a reality.

I also had the opportunity to face some fears while I was there. Both my sister & I are afraid of heights, so we decided to do the high roller. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It was hard to stand up at first, but once I worked past the fear it was beautiful to see the city all lite up at night. You could even see one of the dancing fountains shows, which only looked more beautiful from that height. I wouldn’t say I conquered my fear of heights but I definitely got more comfortable. I wanted to zip line but I wasn’t able to do that this trip. When I return to Las Vegas I am hoping they have the zip line over the strip done, because I will be doing that.

The other fear I conquered was my fear of birds (this is a fear I carry from a past life, and have carried with me for a long time.) Facing this fear happened organically actually, my sister and I had went to The Flamingo for breakfast and decided to walk around the garden there. I got rather excited over all the duckies, fish, and flamingos. As we were walking around I saw people taking pictures with parrots. I looked at my sister, and told her I was going to do it. I gave her my stuff, and told her to record me because no one would believe me. The lady started to put these birds on me, and I was super nervous but once I worked passed my nervousness, I started to relax a little. I actually liked the white parrot the most, he kept looking at me so I would talk to him. haha. I actually enjoyed this experience more than I thought I would. It really made me see how foolish fears are, and how one bad experience can cause a lifetime of fear, holding you back from your full potential.

I am so proud of myself, and all that I have shown myself that I can do. I overcame so much this trip, all of which seem small and meaningless now but held me back for so long. This is the year of quick manifestation, expansion, growth, self-love and making dreams come true. I am recharged, refreshed and ready to get to work.

When working toward creating a life you want, remember….there is no “if” it happens, there is only “when” it happens. I am working my ass off now, so when my dreams becomes reality I will be ready. Life is about your frame of mind, if you tell yourself you will, believe it & work hard to achieve it, then it will come to you.  The universe will give to you what you put out, everything come full circle so be kind, spread love & work hard.

Never give up on your dreams, they are within your reach.



Xo Faye

Transformation has begun

The past few weeks have been pretty crazy for me. The effects of the attunement are starting to settle down; and I am starting to understand the newness that I so strongly feel. It is hard for things to stay the same when so much has changed within you.

I have been slowly but surely getting rid of more and more stuff; getting rid of all the things I don’t love and bring no joy to my life. It only makes sense since I have been purging so much within myself; getting rid of all those things that no longer serve me. I am finally ready to reach my highest potential and all that comes along with it.

This attunement has shown me that I NEED to start trusting myself, every answer to every question is within me. Along with trusting myself, I need to trust in my abilities, whatever they are. They have been starting to show themselves more and more, I often feel as if I am going crazy but I know that it is all just an adjustment period.

I have entered a part of my life where I am finally the most important thing to me. It’s time to give myself all the love, I give so freely to others. This started almost a year ago when I stopped eating meat, something I had always wanted to go but never had the courage to do. And when I started going by Faye, everything began to change, I just didn’t notice it. Going by a name that actually fit me and was fitting to all the spiritual growth I have undergone. Now comes the time where I start taking care of my body even more, and start working out again. After I take a walk, hit the punching bag, or hula hoop it makes me feel so wonderful about myself; and I need more of that. I owe it to myself.

I am weeks away from my book being published and starting an entirely new chapter of my life; one I have waiting years for. I have re-written, added, and taken out parts of my book but it’s finally ready. It is perfect. A wonderful friend of mine completed my cover so I am just waiting for it to arrive in the mail. I am so excited to see where this part of my life takes me, it is quite literally a part of my soul written on paper for the world to read.

What is the point of having experiences if you cannot share them. I am a firm believer of using your experiences to inspire and empower others. Let your vulnerability shine through, people can pick up on the realness you have to offer; they can see the beauty that shines in a heart of truth.

I don’t know where this road where lead me but I do know it will somewhere more beautiful than I could ever imagine.



Another way out…

I think I may have went over this topic before but I feel the need to speak out about it once again…..

Depression is a cruel, ugly monster. It starts out small, and seemingly meaningless ways but eventually grows bigger and digs its roots deeper over time. Leaving is feeling that we are alone, that there is no way out, and we will feel like that forever. I am here to tell you that depression is a liar!!

You are NOT alone, I know that it may seem this way but I can guarantee you that someone you know is dealing with the same things that you are, they just don’t talk about it. We see all the filters on Instagram and Social media as a whole, we are so good at adding a “happy” filter that it only leave us more drained and more depressed. We are not robots, we have emotions for a reason. We need truth, realness and authenticity; we need to feel that we are not alone. Talk to someone you trust about the ways your feeling, you may be surprised to know they are going through the same or similar things that you are.

There is always a way out, you have to find it. Fight those negative voices in your head; they have never served you well in the first place. Replace them with positive thoughts, ones that make you smile or laugh. Laughter is the best medicine, it can make you feel happy even when you’re not. Forever is a long time, don’t let a passing storm of depression take up space in your beautiful blue sky. Don’t give into it, fight it!

Look within yourself, see what is missing. Love yourself, give yourself the love and kindness you easily give to others, you are just as deserving as they are of love and happiness. Forgive yourself for the past, and stop worrying about the future. Be in the present, this is the only time you will ever be this old. This is the only time you can make memories, the only time you can feel alive!

Please know that suicide is not the answer, I know that it may feel like it but it isn’t. You have so many lives left to touch, and to touch yours. Talk to someone about the ways your feeling, reach out. We all live in a world were social media rules all, we wait for nothing and judge everything and everyone; and have no patience.  This is a society of lies and falsities.  It may seem like the end of the world when your peers do not accept you, or when you don’t fit in.

There were many times I didn’t have any friends at all, I would go to school and come home. It was a bummer that I wasn’t experiencing the same things as all the other kids in school but I also didn’t want to fit in if it meant I had to fake everything about myself. High school is not the best time of your life, it is only the beginning of it. I will be 30 this year, and the best times of my life have only begun. So please, don’t feel that life won’t get better because it will! Remember when someone calls you names or whatever, it says more about them than you.

You are beautiful, you are strong, and you are light. Love who you are, the good and the bad. Love all of you, that is where your power lies and once you’ve found that you will be a unstoppable force to reckoned with.




p.s.- Sorry to my absence I have wonderful news I want to share with all of you! Due to all the love we have spread through my blog and Instagram I have decided to open a boutique filled with things that bring me joy and love. Spreading of love, and positive vibes for everyone. The shop will be opening soon, if anyone would like to join I will leave a link below. ❤

Weekend Fun

The past few days have been a whorl wind of activity for me. Over the past weekend my husband and I had east coast rally x nationals; which my father and mother-in law joined us for. Sunday was the full moon, and yesterday was my husband’s 30th birthday. So needless to say, I have been catching up on everything from sleep to laundry.

Rally X was fun as always, I enjoy taking the photos for the event. As it is a way for me to share the experience with my husband and I just have a blast. I love watching each driver’s different approach to the course, and how different each car is. Everyone, for the most part, is nice and pleasant to talk to. I do love meeting new people, especially those different from who I’d normally meet. Every time my husband goes up to race I send him all the positive energy, and reiki I can, I like to think it helps even if it doesn’t. haha.

People were getting to me so much over the course of this trip and instead of running my mouth, like I normally would, I decided to take a different approach. I got quite, and went inside my head. Taking some deep breathes, thinking “This is happening for a reason, there is a lesson to learn here. What is the lesson?” Most of the time the answer I came up with was Patience. Not to take the negative energy given to me, and make it my own, only to spew more negativity. Instead, I did not accept the negativity given to me, and took the high road. Releasing what is not mine, so that I could be at peace.

On the way home Sunday, I noticed all that this trip has shown and taught me. I noticed how far I have come in my own growth and expansion. The old me would have complained about everything, being muddy, dirty, hot, and tired. Basically everything and anything that could be complained about, I would have complained about it. This time that was the role of my mother-in law. She showed me just how annoying I used to be, how needy I was and how I had the insistent need to control every aspect of everything. Rather than complain, I said “I need to eat soon” or “I could use a break from the sun.” It sends the message of what I need without annoying and draining everyone.

I noticed that complaining over every little thing is so draining, and kills the overall vibe. Sometimes we try so hard to be part of something, that we over try and overdo it. Which makes everyone not want to around you, and creates more distance. This is how it was for most of us; we all have our own routines and go our own ways that we do not need to told what to do. Even though she made things difficult, we still managed to have a lot of fun and meet new people. It just makes me so thankful and grateful that I am no longer that way. I am now able to relax, and go with the flow.

The full moon was much needed for me, we got home just in time for me to do my full moon ritual. Since I had missed the past two, I was in desperate need of this moon. When I dumped sage into my pot, I must have dumped a lot in, as it didn’t take long for the garage to completely fill with smoke. As I cleansed myself, I felt everything lift off of me. You never know the weight you carry until it’s gone, that’s for sure.  As the sage engulfed my entire being I felt a tingling on my back, right above my heart charka.  I asked some friends about this and was told it was the Higher Heart Charka. Since then I have been reading as much as I can about this charka, as it is a new charka to humanity. It is completely fascinating to me.

Since the full moon, and everything that has happened over the weekend, I am more thankful than ever for how far I have come, and all the changes I have made along the way.

We always have the potential to be better, it is up to use to choose to be.

Reason for my absence

It has been a crazy past few days, for those of you who do not follow me on Instagram (@bohemianexplorerblog), I will let you know what has been going on.

Last Friday my husband was injured at work; he is the jack of all trades really. He has electrical experience from his time in the Navy, knowing this his boss sent him out to help someone work an electrical panel. He went to check the voltage, and an arc flash happened. Now I had no idea what that was before all of this, and I still can’t explain it. All I know is that the pictures that came up on goggle were freakin scary, and really showed me how lucky he was to be alive. Everything is a lesson and for me the lesson was to not take him and our love for granted because we truly have something special.

I met him and his boss at the ER, when I saw how his hand was burned I felt so bad; I just wanted him to feel better. The ER didn’t really have much knowledge for burns so they sent him to a burn center. He spent the night there but luckily came home Saturday. He has second degree burns on his hand, and that is it. What a true blessing, it could have been so much worse. My husband has many angels that watch over him and care for him, he is a truly incredibly blessed man. As this is not the first time his angels have stepped in to help and protect him.

Because of his burns his hand is hypersensitive to sunlight and heat, so we decided to go to the movies yesterday. We went to see Wonder Woman, which my husband ended up falling asleep to because of his pain meds but I enjoyed it. It was refreshing to see a beautiful, strong woman on the big screen. It helps redefine the stereotypes that are placed on woman; like a woman can either be beautiful and stupid or smart and ugly but can never be both; but Wonder Woman is beautiful and smart, along with many other things. She shows woman, young and old, that you do not need a man to save you; you are very capable of saving yourself. You can be a goddess, strong, beautiful, independent, and confidant but at the same time you can still be soft, gentle, caring, and loving.

There were many times in the film when Wonder Woman would go into a room filled with men and they’d ask why a woman was in here. Which is how most of society works, men are superior to woman. Woman are still treated less than equal if you simply pay attention. Most men seem to think that woman are not capable of doing things as they are, and wonder woman shows them that she is far more capable than they are. I can see how some people would say something about feminism here, which is a word that I truly dislike. I much rather prefer girl power over feminism. I feel like they are so many taboos or negative thoughts implied with the word. Girl power, for me, sounds so much more empowering and appealing. I would love nothing more than to see woman rise up to their full potential.

“It is what you believe that matters, not what people deserve” that line really stood out to me, it is so spot on. If you believe that love will save the world, then it will. You will put love into everything you do, and everything that are. That is why woman are so magical and powerful, we can be given just about anything and make it better. We can be given a house and make it a home, we can be given sperm and we will make a child, we can be given a broken heart and we can mend it with love. That to me, is why woman are goddesses, we are everything.

Shine your light ladies, become everything you were meant to be. Become the goddess you are. Find her and never let go of her.



Freely Give

I woke this morning thinking about Love and how it has made my life so valuable. How me giving love so freely has aided me, and how receiving love has only lead me to all the growth I have accomplished.

My love of hooping for instance, has shown me how beautiful I am. It has help me to build my confidence, and patience. From it, I have begun to trust myself more and more. I have never felt so good about myself, or had a healthy positive feeling about myself. It has helped me smile when I just want to cry, release from the stress of the day but most importantly of all it has helped me connect with myself. When the hoop wraps around me, I feel a surge of feminine energy that lives within me. It helps me release any and all false parts of myself and allows me to be the beautiful, fierce, goddess that I am. Hooping simply makes me come alive, more alive than I have ever been. It’s a love that I share with the hula hoop, it’s a desire to find myself, and it’s a practice that takes courage and devotion, its love in its true form. The love we carry for ourselves shapes and molds our entire lives, so if you find something (positive) that makes you feel free than never let go of it.

The love I have given to friends, family and lovers most of which have walked out of my life has changed me in the best ways. It has shown me that my love for them was never dependent upon theirs; I still hold love for them in my heart. Hoping that they find everything they are looking for in life. I no longer try to stop others when they want to leave my life, I simply let them. If our time together has come to an end than that’s how it’s meant to be. It simply means I’ve learned all that I needed to from them or they have learned all they were meant to from me. All relationships are not meant to last forever, I understand that now. I will always wear my heart on my sleeve because that is where it was always been. I will not stop giving my love freely because I do not get it in return or because others do not understand it. I love for me, and no one else. I give love freely because everyone deserves to be loved. Do to others as you’d want them to do to you. That is how I have always lived my life, and I always will. I expect nothing from you in return, my love is free. Everyone is different and I cannot expect from them as I would do, I can only control my actions and reactions.

Love is the best give you can give anyone but first you must find it for yourself. People may be hard to love, love them anyways they are the ones who need it the most. Some of us lock our hearts away, or build walls around them, love them anyway they are simply afraid. We all defend ourselves whatever way works best for us, love is the answer to every question and to every sorrow. Love is all we need and all we crave. Simply open your heart and give love to another and watch how it brightens their day. Watch how contagious love is, and how it spreads like wild fire when given the chance. We are all born with love in our hearts, it never leaves us. We simply push it down out of fear, but what happens if you let it rise. If you let love engulf every ounce of your being, wouldn’t life be so much more enjoyable.

Love is all there is, it is all that matters. It’s a universal language that everything understands and that everything is born from.



Who Inspires You??

Who Inspires You?

This is a question I have been asked recently; it sparked something inside me and made me see just inspiring others are to me. I never noticed how many inspire me each and every day….

My husband is my daily inspiration, he works so hard for us so that I can stay home and pursue my dream of writing and inspiring everyone to simply love. Without him none of this would have happened, he inspires me to grow, to keep working hard, and have faith that everything will work out for the better. His love runs so deeply for me, and that in itself is an inspiration.

My dog, Norman inspires me to take time for myself, he reminds me that rest is important part of life. He inspires me to love the people that surrounding me, to hold no resentments or ill will. Just love them, and always be happy to see them. You never know when they will be gone.

My grandmother inspires me, even though she is not in human form anymore. The things she taught me, have never left. She inspires to be the beautiful goddess that I am. By being exactly who I am, no fake acts, no walls, just me through and through. She inspires me to always say kind words, saying hateful things only make you look bad. She inspires me to dance around like no one is watching, simply because I enjoy the song on the radio. She inspires me to be free, and live in happiness. She inspires me in so many ways, I’m sure I don’t even notice some of them.

The beauty of nature inspires me every day. I get most of my ideas for my writing while sitting on my front porch surrounded my lovely plants and gardens. They inspire me to grow roots, to be firmly planted but to also be free to share my beauty with the world. I simply need to be showed with love to blossom. They inspire me to be positive and share that energy with the world.

My hooping inspiration is Deanne Love. She inspires me to have fun with hooping while I’m learning something new. The love that she has for hooping shines through, and inspires me to pursue my love of hooping. It may be different and others may not understand, that’s okay. It isn’t my problem what others think of me. She inspires me, to never give up, even when I’m not getting the trick. Without her, I wouldn’t be the fierce hooping force I am today.

Most people, even strangers, inspire me. They inspire me to be more myself and radiate love more than ever. They inspire me by showing me who I don’t want to be. They inspire me by teaching me lessons of patience and understanding. The lessons and wisdom they share with me is often in part where my inspiration for writing comes from.

All you beauties inspire me. Keep fighting for what you want out of life. That is beautiful stuff, and you inspire me to never stop fighting, to never stop growing and to never stop loving. You are the true inspiration.

The world is a funny place, everyone you come into contact with affects you, mold you in some way or another. Everyone comes into your life for a reason, nothing happens by mistake or by chance. Be inspired by others, let others lift you up when you are weak and lift others when you are strong. The world is filled with so much beauty, make the most of it. You never know when it will be gone. xoxo

Dont forget to follow me on Instagram @bohemianexplorerblog  and on facebook/bohemianexplorer

Life of undying hope, part 3

The next turning point in my life would happen just a few years later when I was 17. I just graduated high school and I was so happy to be done with school. It never really held my attention because I didn’t care about the things we learned. That summer I had met a guy, and we started dating. It wasn’t long after we started dating that he got possessive and totally changed. When I met him he was charming and sweet and seemingly overnight he had become an entirely different person. One evening we went to his house nobody else was home so we went up to his room to watch movies. I’ll never forget it, he put Sin City (to this day I still cannot watch that movie) on and he started to get forceful with me. I told him that he was hurting me, and that I wasn’t ready but it didn’t seem to matter. He pinned me down on his bed and sexual assaulted me. I have never felt so worthless and low in my life. He told me that it was my fault, that I was being a tease and deserved what I had coming. For some reason I believed him, I ate up every word he said to me. That would be the last time I saw him, or talked to him. I never told anyone for years; it wasn’t until a few years ago that I told my mother.

After this happened to me, I went home and just stood in the shower trying to feel clean but it never happened. I always felt as if I had a layer of scum on me that seemed to be a part of me now. I went spiraling into the deepest depression I have ever been in. I went into the darkest part of myself, hearing this little voice in my head saying the worst things about myself and me accepting them to be true. After all, when my dad was angry he would say thing to me like “You’re fat” or “No one could ever love you, you aren’t worthy of love” so with the man I am supposed to look up to saying these things, I believed every word of it. Things got so dark for me, I stopped eating, I didn’t want to live anymore and I thought about killing myself. I didn’t want to live this way anymore, I couldn’t take it. I was just sick of it all, so I found another way. I turned to drugs, alcohol and sex. The drugs and alcohol would take all of my pain away, they would make me forget why I was sad, lonely, and depressed. The sex was easy; it was meaningless and empty just like I was. Everything I had was already stolen from me, so I had nothing left to loose. This way of living worked for me for years, until one day it didn’t anymore.

I knew that I had to do something to take my life back, that the darkness had control over me and I needed out. So I did something that I hadn’t done since my grandma had passed away; went to church. My friend and I woke up early one Sunday, got dressed and went to church. I was nervous going in, I had been so long that I didn’t know what to expect. I felt completely out of place, I wanted to leave but my friend pushed me to go forward so I did, I put the holy water over my heart. I sat down, pulled down my knee pad and began to pray like I had never prayed before. I asked for forgiveness and guidance. I knew that I had given into the darkness that surrounded me that I had taken the easy way out. I finished my prayer said “Amen” and sat through the service. We got the bread and wine, and soon after we left. Walking out of that church I felt like I had been reborn. That everything I had done was forgiven and I was ready to start a new journey for myself. Driving away I felt like I had an angel flying over my car with me, protecting me and guiding me.

It wasn’t long after that I had met a guy that changed my life. I stopped hanging out with people that offered me nothing positive in return. I stopped doing drugs pervious to meeting him but was now forever done with it. I even stopped drinking for a while. I was done with it all; I no longer needed to a way out. I was with him for four years, he changed my life in so many ways but ultimately he reminded me to much of my father so I did what was best for me and left. It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, but I did it for me. I knew that I had put everything into the relationship that I could but it would never be enough for me. I didn’t belong with him and it became very clear to me.  After moving out, I felt like this huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I trusted in myself enough to know that this was the right thing for me. Nothing else mattered but my happiness. I had to come first.

I was finishing up schooling to get a job that I loved, so I had to move in with my parents. It was time for me to get my life in order; I knew my happy ending was out there somewhere I just needed to know what I wanted. To love myself for once; self-esteem has always been something I have struggled with, not feeling worthy enough or always thinking someone has a motive behind why they are talking to me. A lot of damage had been done to me in my life but I no longer was willing to let that damage define who I was. Little by little I started to love myself again, wearing make-up to make myself feel pretty. Dressing by how I felt and not what I thought I had to wear. I started to trust myself more and more, letting my intuition lead the way. Never giving up hope, and knowing that something better was waiting for me.

Five months after leaving a relationship that done a number on me, I met my now husband. Upon meeting him I felt completely comfortable and was simply myself. I will admit I was nervous because he was so handsome but the way I instantly felt about him was something I’d never felt before. It wasn’t long after dating that we moved in together, bought a house, got a dog and before we knew it we were married. I knew from the moment I kissed him he was my home, the person that I was meant to live the rest of my life with. I always knew I wasn’t going to marry a man like my father; I was not going to put my children through the same things that I went through. So I was aware and I wasn’t afraid to do what was best for me. And in return I am lucky to spend the rest of my life with a very loving man. When you take a leap of faith, the universe always rewards you.

If I have learned anything from my life it’s that you have to trust yourself. You have to do what is best for you; you choose how your life will turn out. Even in the darkest of times I see why everything needed to happen the way it has. Everything truly happens for a reason; it has taught me so many lessons.  Not everyone has your best intention at heart, everyone has their own issues they are working through, that in order to be happy in a relationship you must first be happy with yourself. You cannot take care of others if you do not first take care of yourself. No matter what you think you cannot change anyone, they must change themselves. You will only get hurt in the process. Some people are okay being lost and afraid; it isn’t your burden to bare. People will only respect you as much as you respect yourself.

I cherish every wrong turn I have taken, every lessoned learned, and every experience I have had. All of which have made me the person I am today. I have made no mistakes in my life; every turning point has been a reason to grow stronger, a reason to grow. I have no regrets in my life either, everything has played out exactly how it was meant to and for that I am grateful. I am no longer ashamed of the past that used to haunt me.  I wear my scars proudly, because to me they only show my strength against all odds. They are proof that I have been to hell and back and that I am more alive and stronger than ever. I am simply a human dealing with the cards I’ve been dealt, making the best out of my hand being thankful for everything along the way. I have always believed that love was waiting for the right time and for me.

No matter what you’re going through or what has happened in your life, you are the master of your destiny. You can choose to be happy or you can choose to be miserable. Either way the choice is yours and yours alone. You do not need to wait for someone to save you from your life, save yourself. Be your own hero, love yourself, and give yourself the love that you so freely give to others. Forgive yourself, so you can move forward. You deserve to be happy, go find it; take that leap of faith. Go live your life for you. The world is waiting for, it’s time to dive in.

Life of undying hope, part 2

I remember the little apartment my mother and I had. It was perfect, some of the best times of my childhood where in that apartment, so many memories. My mother did everything she could for me; working as much as she could just to be sure I had what I needed. I will always be grateful for the amount of love she showers me with. I was always a mama’s girl; she was my go to woman for everything I needed. I’m not sure how long we lived in our little apartment but I do remember not wanting to leave even though we did. We had returned back to the home I had grown to feel so unsafe in, a home that I felt alone and unloved in. For a long time, I hated that my mother had brought me back to our home. We were doing fine in our apartment, on our own; we didn’t need to come back. I hadn’t missed the fighting and yelling at all.

It wasn’t long after we moved back that it all began again, the never ending fighting, and yelling. The chaos that surrounded me began to affect me deeply, and without me even noticing what was happening. I had come to think that all of this was normal, that this is how everyone’s house hold is. People get angry and this is what happens; yelling and screaming at each other is how relationships should be. Yet every time I would go my grandparents’ house I see and feel the complete opposite. My grandparents were like another set of parents to me, especially my grandmother. She filled all the gaps I had in my life, teaching me things my mother didn’t. Showing me that love and family are the most important things in life. When I would see my grandparents together, you could tell how much in love with each other they were. Yeah, they would call each other silly names but at the end of the day the love was always there. They had a respect for each other that I had never seen before. In a way, I looked up to them more than I did my own parents. Everything about their relationship seems right to be. Their home was the only place I felt safe, the only place I could run to when I was afraid. There was often times when I would spend the night with them, they were my favorite nights. We would look through old photos, and grandma would tell me who everyone was. We’d watch Wheel of Fortune; I’d call out letters even though I didn’t know the answer to the puzzle. My grandparents were my saving grace; (whether or not they knew that I don’t know) they showed me what a normal, healthy relationship is. That your house should be filled with light and love. They showed me everything opposite of what I thought to be true.  I never understood how my father could be so different from his parents, I later found out why but that is not my story to tell.

I had never experienced death before I was 13 but that would be the age I lost one of the most important people in my life. Such a life changing point in my life; something that still feels me with grief and sadness. In May of 2000, my beloved grandmother would pass away. I was with her the day she had her stroke, I will never forget it. I was at her house, and I knew something was wrong. Something about her was off; she was shaky and didn’t seem to be her normal self. She got a cup of coffee and a cigarette, telling me “this will help me feel better” and me telling her that it won’t help. She told me to call one of my cousins that were a nurse, I did and she came right over. She had told grandma she was having a stroke and she needed to go to the hospital. It is a blur from there; I remember getting to the hospital and her blood pressure being through the roof. She was admitted, I never saw her in hospital room that I remember. The next day I went to see my sister and my other grandma. I spent the night and called my mom on Sunday to see how grandma was doing in the hospital. I remember mom saying “everything is fine, she is doing well” and me knowing it was a lie. I didn’t want to believe myself though, so I didn’t. Mom picked me up and brought me home. I wanted to go see grandma, and she sat me down and told me grandma had passed away. I lost it, my entire world felt like it was caving in around me, what I would do without a woman who had done so much for me. I said I wanted to go see poppy, so my parents took me out there. I saw poppy and gave him the biggest hug I had ever given him before. I could see in his eyes how lost and heartbroken he was. He had lost a woman he had spent most of his life with. It never felt real, like I was living a bad dream that I couldn’t wake up from. Putting grandma to rest was one of the hardest days of my life. Even though I knew her spirit wasn’t very far away, It has never been the same without her.

After the loss of my grandmother I began to see my family that I had loved so much begin to fall apart. We stopped seeing everyone on the holidays, poppy would come over for Christmas instead of everyone going to his house. I never understood the expression “Mothers are the glue that holds a family together” but now I understood it all too clearly. I could see everything I had cherished coming to an end, and it certainly did. I wouldn’t see my family for 12 years; we became strangers to one another.


Life of undying hope, part 1

I have been toying with the idea of writing a book about all the trauma and opposition I have faced in my life and how I overcame it all with positive thinking, strength and a never ending hope. As I think more and more on this, I don’t think it is right. I don’t want you to pay for something that I am sharing from my heart. I want to share my life with you, so that you can be inspired to never give up. That no matter what you’re faced with, know that you can overcome it. So it isn’t about the money to me, it’s about helping you so that you know are as beautiful as the sky, and each burst of darkness is just a passing storm. Just like storms they always leave. So the sky can shine as beautifully once more. Everything passes, nothing is permanent.

So with that being said, I am going to share my life with you. The times that truly affected me in ways that I still see how they affect me, and have changed me. I will share with you parts of my life most of my family doesn’t even know about. I will share all the hidden secrets; I will share everything. A part of me is scared to do so because in return I will be absolutely naked to the world but the rest of me feels like I need to be brave and do this. It is part a therapy for me but mostly for you. As I have always said part of my journey is writing and sharing with you; so you know you are never alone. You are never the only one going through something. There is always light to be found, even in the darkest of places. I hope to make you stronger and more fearless even in darkest of times. These times do not define you, they simply guide and teach you the lessons you need to learn. You are defined by who you choose to be and who you become.

Now for how lengthy this post has become I am will be sharing it in three parts. They will be all titled the same thing just parts 1, 2, and 3. So you can easily find them.

Here we go….

My life has had its ups and down, just as everyone else. I have faced darkness and despair. Just like the phoenix I’ve risen from my ashes to become more than I ever thought possible. I know that my life isn’t the hardest as they come, that others have it worse off than me. This isn’t a competition of who had the worse up bringing this is simply my story from my point of view and how I was affected. I would like to take this time to say to my parents who may or may not read this, I love you. I understand know that everything you did and have done was what you thought to be the best for me. That you were simply doing what you were taught, and I do not hold that against you. I will always have an undying love for you, you are the reason I am alive and the reason I was created. I am simply sharing my life so that I may help inspire another. This is not meant to be an attack or to make you look bad.

I grew up like most middle class children in 90’s, I watched cartoons on nickelodeon, colored in my coloring books, played outside with my friends, and was just a kid. My childhood was great, I had a family that loved me, all my needs were taken care of, and I had everything that I needed to survive. What was lacking more was my emotional needs.

From an early age I knew I had a half-sister, she did not live with me (so I basically grew up as an only child.) I would see her every weekend; I loved the time I got to spend with her. So much so that I never wanted to leave her, I always wondered why we could not live together. Why we had to be apart, I asked my mother a few times why it had to be this way and I remember never being satisfied with her answers. Grownups never really tell the truth to children in hopes in protecting them or saying they wouldn’t understand. As a child and even still now, I think children are wiser than we give them credit for. In my eyes my half-sister has always been my full sister. I have always loved her as a sister and a dear friend, even though I never felt the sisterly bond between us. I have always been proud to call her my sister. Recently we have reconnected, and it has meant the world to me.

As a child I loved my daddy, I adored him. I looked up to him and wanted to find a man just like him. He was everything to me; I would play with his hair and put it up in little pony tails. We would play pretty pretty princess together. He would sit me on his knee and bounce me up and down. I loved every moment I spent with him. He is a beautiful soul, with so much light and love inside of him. Sadly, however he chooses to let the darkness within him lead the way from time to time. Growing up you would have to be careful what you said, and what you did because you never really knew when he would get angry. There were many times when I would escape to my room, put on my headphones and just hide away from all the yelling and fighting. I remember he would get into these fits of rage and break all my mother’s things, simply to hurt her. He would destroy the house, and everyone in it. There was a point where he become physically abusive, and we moved out.