I don’t want to remembered as a wife, daughter, or mother. I am so much more than any of these things, they do not define my spirit, or who I am.
They, like all labels aren’t easily removed once placed on someone. They are a part of society that is false and scared of differences. For the most part labels are put onto others out of fear, or the simple fact that everyone has a category they belong in. This way of thinking is the reason why so many people are sad, depressed and even suicidal. Most of us, myself included do not fit into any one box. So we are grown to think that this is wrong of us, that we are ugly or wrong for not fitting in. It took me many years to understand that not fitting in was a blessing, look around at all the unauthentic people walking around. I now take pride in being an outcast, hippie, misfit, gypsy whatever you want to call me. It simply means I can love the things I love without being sorry for it. I can be myself, and be loved for it. Take pride in yourself, you are a beautiful goddess. You have so much beauty to bring to the world, I wish that you would see it.
Don’t think so little of yourself, this gives others permission to do the same; and you are worth so much more than that. You are amazing, magically radiant; you’re worthy and capable. You can do ANYTHING you set your mind to. Stop telling yourself you can’t believe that you can, and you will. Tell yourself everyday how beautiful and wonderful you are, fake a smile if you have to. Do this everyday, and you wont be faking it anymore. Fake it until you make it, or in the case fake it until you believe it. You are a goddess, made of stardust, you are everything you’ve ever needed. You are alive for a reason, go live your life!
I want to be remembered for everything I have done, all the love I shown the world, for the funny moments, for my smile, and for the light that follows me where ever I go. I want to be remembered as someone who saw all the suffering in the world and made a difference. Someone who made the world a little brighter, warmer and gave everyone a reason to smile.
Since all the holiday activities have come to a close; my husband and I decided to take a road trip with some friends. It was a wonderful day full of firsts for me.
We took about a two hour drive to Yuengling brewery, which happens to be one of my favorite go to beers and America’s oldest brewery. When we got there you could tell it was an old town; you could almost in vision horse and buggy’s driving on the streets and woman in hoop dresses. The town is built on the side of a mountain; the streets are narrow and tight. When we got to Yuengling, we walked around the gift shop and signed up for the tour. They had a small museum in the back of the way they used to brew beer and old photos, it was very interesting. The gift shop and museum was in the old ice cream parlor across the street from the actually brewery.
The tour began in the basement of the brewery; it smelled damp and musty like any typical basement. She talked about history of the brewery, and how they used to keg beer. Then we walked into the lager caves, which were incredible. I cannot believe people dug these tunnels out by hand, I can see why it took they 10 years. We went to all parts of the brewery which was awesome to see; the tour was about an hour long. She covered so much information I just wish that she had told us more about prohibition. They started to make ice cream while prohibition was law, but I heard some people saying that the ice cream was only a front and they continued to brew beer in secret, I don’t know if there is any fact to that or not. At the end of the tour we had some samples, and walked around the gift shop some more.
While we were up that way, we decided to visit Centralia. It is a ghost town since a mine fire started in the 1962. The town only has about 7 people remain in the town, and all of the other houses and building have been torn down and removed. There are no signs saying you are there, it is a town that doesn’t exist, and even the zip code has been taken away. Driving through what used to be neighborhoods was kind of creepy. You saw stop sings, what remained of sidewalks, and a few chain link yard fences but that’s it. Everything else was gone, if you didn’t know it used to be a town, they would drive through it will no thought. Nature has pretty much taken over everything, expect the roads (but even they are not in the best condition).
There is an old part of the highway that had been closed off due to the mine fire, this is now called graffiti highway. It is about a mile stretch of highway that is covered in graffiti, and as you go down the highway toward the end of it, you will notice the ground beginning to crack. The fire had changed the landscape of the road, which is why they closed it off. I guess they got sick of repairing it. It was fun to ride on an abandoned highway, and just see all the things people paint there.
After spending sometime there, we left and drove around. Since this place was new to all of us we just wanted to drive around. We ended up finding an off roading trail; so my husband and I hopped into our friend’s jeep and took off. It was muddy since it had rained that morning, so we had a lot of fun playing in the mud and driving up the mountain. The trails began to get to narrow for our liking so we decided to come back down the mountain. There were people on four wheelers flying around, having a good time. We returned to our car, and decided we needed to get some food. So we ended the day with beer and pizza.
I had never been off roading before and it was so fun. I can totally see why people do it; I just would never want to drive. I am perfectly happy being a passenger. I have never really been one for adventure but I find it so attractive now. Perhaps that is part of my growth and development, to push myself. To break free of the safety box I have created, to simply live. I still feel so alive today; I am ready to break down more walls. 2017 is going to be a huge year full of love, change and new beginnings. I just can’t wait to see what the new year brings, I am so excited. There are so many things I want to achieve in the new year, but that is a blog for another day.
Find your adventure, explore new places and have fun. Spend time with people you vibe with, that make you feel alive and forget the rest. Be happy, be free and remember to smile. I send my love to all of you. xo
Sometimes you just gotta say fuck it!! Love the people you love, even if that means loving them from afar. Do what makes YOU happy. Be with people that make you feel alive. Your master, and creator of your own destiny. Go live your life the way you want. No apologies, only truths and love.
Your amazing, beautiful, filled with light and love. Dont let anyone take that away from you, or feel less than you are.
Today I have set aside to have some me time. All the family activities do not start until the weekend, I have finished shopping and decorating; so it is time is right. I knew that I wanted to have a release to end the year out right. I wanted to go deeper into myself than I have ever gone before; and with mercury in retrograde this is the perfect time for it.
Over the past week or so, I have kept myself so busy so I wouldn’t have to deal with anything, I wasn’t ready; but now I am. So I started out my day like I normally do, drinking some hot herbal tea, making a nice breakfast for myself, and walking the dog. I love to walk, even though it is winter now and the temperatures aren’t ideal, I still like to burn off some extra energy. I said my thank you’s to the universe and the elements as I do every day, I then took a deep breathe in and exhaled. There is something about the cold, fresh air coming into your body that just makes you feel good, at least for me.
When we came inside, I gave the dog his treat and came upstairs to my room. A friend had told me to try TAT for releasing, I had never heard of this practice before so I went to YouTube to see what videos I could find. It turns out it’s a very easy exercise that doesn’t take up much time. I thought everything that I wanted to release, and everything I wasn’t aware of that I wanted to release. I took some deep breathes in and out and just let it sail away. I did the exercise twice for about 2 minutes each, and I feel so much lighter. I find it crazy that the simplest things can make all the difference.
I then did a past life regression, it had been a week or so since my last one and I felt compelled to do so, so I did. I started off the way I normally do, asking for protection and wrapping myself in light. I began to go into mediation, when I finally came to my book it opened and I watched as another life unfolded in front of me…..
This time I was a woman with long brown hair with a brown thin headband, I was wearing fingerless gloves made from leather. My corset top was also made of leather, as was my skirt. My skirt at one point had fabrics attached to it which were now ripped off. I had tall leather boots, and a holster made of leather around my thigh that held two small knifes. I also was carrying a large sward holster around my waist with a rather large, heavy sword in it. I was carrying a small brown book in my hands; it had a leather cord wrapped around it to keep the book closed. When I brought the book closer to me, something fell out of it. It was a torn map, old brownish paper; it was a map to Avalon. I was traveling home, there were many people and beings that did not want me to return to my home. I fought my way through the battles, and carried on with my travels. That was it; I started to come out of the meditative state and woke. I believe this was my very first life, or one of my first lives.
As I was writing this down in my journal, I had a aha moment. She is the warrior spirit within, the one that never stops fighting for what she believes in. I am on my way to finding my true home, there will be people and distractions along the way but to keep fighting and looking forward. Never give up on yourself or your beliefs. Everything you need or want is inside of you.
On the road to happiness there will be many obstacles and road blocks, keep moving forward. The only person that can hold you back is yourself.
Last Friday at a local crystal shop they were giving away free 10 minutes readings, so I thought I’d try it out. I have only gotten readings from beloved friends before so I was curious to see what a total stranger would say or see.
Last week was rough for me in the fact that it was a roller coaster of emotions. The constant up and down of life was in full swing. When Thursday came around I felt fantastic, I was the embodiment of joy and love. I was vibrating at my highest, and it felt amazing. Friday, was different though, I still felt as if I was vibrating on a higher level, just different from the previous day. Like something was coming to the surface to be healed. Looking back now, it all makes perfect sense and I was just aligning myself for a break down so I could break through.
I decided to get a free reading; I mean what could it hurt, right? I waited and waited for my turn in line, when it finally came I got nervous. I know from experience what you want to hear and what spirit tells you are often very different. I sit down with her and she asks if there is anything that I want to ask or if I want to do an overall reading. I tell her just an overall reading would be good, since I didn’t want to give too much away. I am always cautious with a new reader; you never know who is true and who isn’t. She began to tell me things about my marriage, and about myself. That I cannot be friends with certain people because there is too much there to just be friends. That I am on the right path, and about to have a huge spiritual awakening; to keep moving forward. To be sure of the choices I make and if I find myself not liking the path I have chosen I can always back up and try another path. She said there was a baby in my aura, and to work things out before that happens.
Now for me, this was a lot in just 10 minutes, she basically mind fucked me. (for lack of a better word) She made me feel like I was powerless and the world was seamlessly spinning out of control around me. I cried, the entire way home and just felt more confused and lost that I have in a very long time. When I got home I talked to friends about what had happened, and how I felt about the whole thing. Some friends were very helpful to me, others I felt judged me. Over the course the evening, I came to this conclusion.
I am sick and tired of everyone telling me what I should or shouldn’t do. I am the master of my own destiny; I am the driver and creator. I decide what is best for me and what isn’t. Others will judge me for the way I feel and the things I do, I will love them anyway. They come from a place of closed mindedness, or not understanding. I do not blame them, I will not condemn them, I will only love them. I can be with friends with whomever I choose, I simply must take caution when there is a past life connection. Future tellers can only tell you so much, the future changes every day with every choice we make; just because they see something there doesn’t mean it is going to happen. I will feel the way I feel about people and that is how it is mean to be. Just because I am married doesn’t mean it is wrong of me to hold love for another. Just because I hold love in my heart for others doesn’t mean it is romantic in nature and doesn’t mean I love my husband less. Love is what we are all made of; it is what we desire more than anything else in this world. So when I find it, I always cherish it. Most importantly of all, the answers I seek I cannot find in anyone else, they are within me. I must take the time to look within myself to see what it is that I truly need and want. Everyone else is simply a guide.
Looking back at this whole experience, I am so grateful that this happened. I needed to crash and burn so I could rebuild myself with a stronger understanding of self. I will always believe that everything happens for a reason, and this is just one more example of that.
I was looking through old photos last night, and in doing this I can across and old photo of myself. I must have been 18 in the photo. In looking at this photo, I smiled and began to think of how much I have changed in those 11 years.
So I write to my 18 year old self, I see how sad you are. I see how confused and lost you are, but I am here to tell you everything will be okay. I know you simply urn for unconditional love, and to be accepted. Little do you know all which you crave is inside of you. This is a lesson that will take you many years to fully understand; you cannot find love in another until you have found it in yourself. You can try to love yourself through another but it will never give you the satisfaction you crave, or need. You will think that things can’t get any worse, but they will. When you have reached the bottom there is nowhere to go but up, you cannot live in light without first living in the dark. Remember that, it will comfort you. You will never lose hope in love; you know that the love you desire is just a moment away. This is something I have always loved so much about you, your undying hope. Just remember everything you have ever wanted is at your fingertips, you just have to be willing to do the work to reach it.
To my future self, I am looking forward to all the beautiful things you have in store for me. I am on this course of life, which every day I learn and feel something new. Every day is a new experience, a new way of seeing the world, and myself. I feel so light and free, liberated from the old skin I’ve worn for so long. I will remember when you reach the top there is nowhere to go but down, so I will stay humble and enjoy every second of bliss that is given to me. I will cherish the dark times for all the lessons they give me. There are many things I wish to achieve with you but most of all, and probably the most importantly I wish to achieve a legacy of love behind me. Love is what lives within me; it encompasses my soul, and transcends light throughout my being.
Everything you go through is meant to happen the way is has, everything is a lesson and a growth process. Enjoy all that is given to you, take nothing for granted and be free. Fill every moment with love, laughter and always remember to smile.
The things I hide, the pain that I feel will go away. I no longer need pain to feel alive, or human. When pain comes my way I will feel it, find the lesson and then move on from it. Pain is not meant to define us; it only meant to teach us. Love is what defines us, how freely we love, even if we do not get it in return. We all have something to teach one another. Love and laughter are the purest parts of the human experience.
I want to break away from the same traps that have always gotten the best of me. I will break away, I will be free.
Last night my husband and I were talking about drama’s that are going on in our families. How angry everyone is, and how everyone yelling only makes the entire situation worse. Name calling when you’re angry or in general brings nothing constructive to the disagreement; all it does it make things worse. Words spoken in anger are usually words we wish we could take back. That’s the thing about words of anger the pain they leave behind never really fades away. The first cut is always the deepest.
I told my husband that they should not resort to this kind of behavior, that more can get accomplished by talking. That name calling is beneath them, and if they spoke up and told people how they feel then it wouldn’t of gotten this far. What he said next really surprised me, he said “This is why everyone gets upset with you; you always take the high road. Sometimes I don’t want to take the high road, when I’m angry I say whatever comes out. Your too hippie dippy for me sometimes.” Still now, this statement makes me starch my head in confusion. I told him “That statement zero sense to me. When you get angry and call someone a terrible name what do you think that does to them? What does that do to you? That’s your ego, telling you it’s okay, and encouraging that behavior. It is unacceptable for me to believe that is okay.” He said sometimes he just wants to call someone a bad name. I told him how does any of this makes sense to you, I am disappointed I thought you were better than that.
Calling me a bad name when your upset only upsets me and then you feel like crap for making me upset. So how is any of that useful? How can you justify that in your mind? He says that’s just how some people are; which is a huge reason why I don’t understand most of the population. If you tell people how you feel when they upset you, then you don’t need to resort to yelling and name calling. It’s all one huge ego trip, and I wish everyone would notice this. When people yell they are no longer talking to listen to the other person, they are talking to only be heard; and nothing good comes from that. So I will always walk away, and leave all that garbage behind. I understand that everyone is angry, and that is okay but it is all in how you work through your anger that matters. If people get pissed off at me for the way that I am, then they aren’t mean to be in my life. I am the way I am and I will not apologize for it. I have lived most of my life in a house filled with fighting and negativity, and it has no place in my adult life.
We are all different. We all think differently, would do things differently and act differently. Once we all come together in our differences than perhaps we can leave the acts of ego behind us. The ego only holds us back from our own happiness. No one idea is better than the other. Life is all about choices, we choose what affects us and how it affects us; we make them everyday, whether we know it or not.
A few weeks ago, I saw a dear friend of mine; who also happens to be my reiki master. We did some past life stuff, but also did a tarot card reading. The cards told me that I should do mirror work. Earlier in the day we had discussed it, it something I had never done but have heard great things can come from it. My friend told me she had done this and all the experiences she had from it; and how it helped aid her in spiritual journey.
For those that do not know what mirror work is, it’s when you look in the mirror at yourself. You look into your eyes, since they are the window to the soul; you have an experience of some sort. I was hesitant to do this because of my dislike of mirrors. I am not sure what it is about them but I have never cared for them much. This is why I only have mirror in the bathrooms and don’t look into them often.
Well yesterday, when my husband was home I took the time to try this work. I went into the experience with fear so it only makes sense that I saw, what I saw. I sat down in my room; I got comfortable and began to look in the mirror. After several minutes passed my eyes began to water (which still makes sense to me, since I was still blinking like normal.) Then I saw my face change, it was a face of what I can only assume I demon would look like. It had bumps all over its red skin, it was just darkness. After I saw this face I got a terrible headache. It was at this point that is discounted the work. Everything I had feared about the experience is what I saw.
I don’t know if I saw what I saw because of the fear or if there was a reason. For me this is how I took it….
From all my past life work I know that there was a time when I gave into the darkness. It was easy and I wanted revenge so badly that the cost did not matter. For this I am forever linked to the darkness, it lives inside of me. It is not who I am but it is a part of me. I do not accept these parts of myself, I hide from it. It wants to be free, but I only try harder to lock it away. The reason I saw this face first and so quickly is because it is the part of myself that I need to accept. It is not who I am but it was who I was once. And for this running from it only means I’m running from myself. I need to accept all parts of myself, negative and positive because all of these things make me who I am. We cannot have light without dark. Once I accept this darkness as my own, I will have no reason to be fearful. I will have control over my life and over my actions. Something that I must understand is just because we have a darker side to our soul doesn’t make us a bad person. In fact, it simply makes us human. I am a work in progress; I am getting where I need to be and where I am meant to be.
Owning our darkness is one of the bravest things we can do for ourselves.