Free Writing

I have come to find that everything is not as it seems. People often are wolfs in sheep’s clothing. They pretend to be exactly opposite of how they are. Why it is that humans do this? A dog would not act a certain way only to bite your hand off. He will act as if he wants to bite your hand off. I have a lot of beautiful connections in my life but none like the one I share with my dog. He is always happy to see me, always greets me with a smile and some wet kisses. He always acts like each time I come home is the first time he has seen me. He happy simply with the food and love I give him, he doesn’t ask for anything more. He gives me his love, unconditionally. He hides nothing from me, he is simply happy that we are together. Why can’t people act more like this? Life isn’t about being cool, it isn’t about what color your skin is, or what religion you are. It’s about love, and the connections we share with people.  It’s about being kind and showing compassion. It’s about helping one another, despite our differences. It’s about all that most have seen to lost. I see it in larger cities, where everyone only cares for themselves, and will pass a stranger in need without thinking twice. They don’t say “thank you” to the waiter and they throw a fit when things aren’t perfect. They are in a rush to get nowhere, and they are ALWAYS on their phone. Money rules the world, and there by nothing else matters.

It is sad to me, a girl from the country, that people find it okay to live like this. I was raised to always say “Thank you” when given something, no matter who it’s from. To always be kind over being rude, somethings you cannot control. Sharing a smile with a stranger could brighten their whole day, and to always treat others how you would want to be treated. Life doesn’t work the way that you want it to, according to your rules. Life isn’t fair and sometimes it plan sucks. Working hard is the only way you can ever get the things you want in life, they will not be handed to you. Love is free, it cannot be bought no matter how hard you try. Life is simple, yet we make it so changeling.

I will always prefer my home in the country, to city life. I need wide open spaces, I need room to breathe, to feel the energy of the trees, to see the beautiful sights and smells of the flowers, to see deer running through the woods, to hear the songs of the birds and the meditative sounds of the streams. I need it all, it’s who I am. That is my peace on earth, my sanctuary.

I truly believe if people got away from the buildings that humans have created and lived among nature that they would find all that they were looking for. That violence and crime rates would go down, that overall life would improve. When you live in a false world you’ve created nothing good can come from it; the concrete we use to build with holds and gives off a void of energy. It is not alive, so it is an energy void, which then comes back to us. But if you live among the trees, among the plants, they you will be given the gift of positive energy. You will be enlightened and enriched with the love of our great mother. She knows what her children need, it is her children who refuse to listen.

Names aren’t simply names

Lately I have noticed how much I dislike my first name, Amanda. I have never really liked my name but it has only been recently where it has bothered me in a way; so much so that I wanted to explore this further.

I have never really given my name another thought that is what I was given so that’s what it is. I have out grown so much in my life and in myself that maybe this is just another extension of that. Amanda just doesn’t seem to fit anymore; this could be due in part to my parents calling me by my middle name, Faye. Amanda is a little girl who is afraid of everything and everyone. A little girl who is filled with heart break, pain, and loss. A girl who is self-destructive, and doesn’t even try to get what she wants because she believes that she deserves nothing. I have out grown all of these old ways of thinking and these ways of merely existing. Faye on the other hand, is a beckon of light and of undying hope. She is a messenger of love, leaving behind her a trail of love everywhere she goes. Faye is not afraid of the unknown but is rather excited by it; for the unknown is where all possibilities lye. She knows that she is worthy of all the love and happiness that the world can offer. Faye is simply a fairy on her way to earning her wings.

I have shed the skin that no longer fits, so why not change my name along with it.


Have a wonderful day everyone xoxo



Music Sticks With Us

As a child I grew up with country music, it’s all that my grandparents listened to and for the most part all that my father listened too. I remember the songs of the 90’s being relatable and meaningful. I still hold a love for the songs I grew up with and now that I am an adult I love them even more. Understanding what they are saying even more now, and relating to them in a different way.

There is one song that always stood out to me, and touched me. It’s “Stand beside me” by Jo Dee Messina. The chorus is what always stuck with me, it goes “I want a man that stands beside me/Not in front of or behind me/Give me two arms that want to hold me, not own me/And I’ll give all the love in my heart/Stand beside me/Be true, don’t tell lies to me I’m not lookin’ for a fantasy/I want a man that who stands beside me.” Even as a child I understood what she was saying, and I never let go of that. I have always wanted a man to stand beside me, too often woman are pushed around by men thinking they are property to be owned or objects. Or that they are to be controlled, or exist only in the background. I always knew the kind of relationship I wanted and to me this song was everything I wanted.

In a way it has guided me away from relationships where I knew I wasn’t be nurtured or given everything I needed (Read life of undying hope for more.)  In a way it led me to my husband, a man that always stood beside me. A man who sees me as his equal and has respect for me. Music is a powerful tool, it can touch us and lead us to tears. Or it can stick with us forever. What we listen to, who we hang around with all determines who we become, so choose wisely.



Freely Give

I woke this morning thinking about Love and how it has made my life so valuable. How me giving love so freely has aided me, and how receiving love has only lead me to all the growth I have accomplished.

My love of hooping for instance, has shown me how beautiful I am. It has help me to build my confidence, and patience. From it, I have begun to trust myself more and more. I have never felt so good about myself, or had a healthy positive feeling about myself. It has helped me smile when I just want to cry, release from the stress of the day but most importantly of all it has helped me connect with myself. When the hoop wraps around me, I feel a surge of feminine energy that lives within me. It helps me release any and all false parts of myself and allows me to be the beautiful, fierce, goddess that I am. Hooping simply makes me come alive, more alive than I have ever been. It’s a love that I share with the hula hoop, it’s a desire to find myself, and it’s a practice that takes courage and devotion, its love in its true form. The love we carry for ourselves shapes and molds our entire lives, so if you find something (positive) that makes you feel free than never let go of it.

The love I have given to friends, family and lovers most of which have walked out of my life has changed me in the best ways. It has shown me that my love for them was never dependent upon theirs; I still hold love for them in my heart. Hoping that they find everything they are looking for in life. I no longer try to stop others when they want to leave my life, I simply let them. If our time together has come to an end than that’s how it’s meant to be. It simply means I’ve learned all that I needed to from them or they have learned all they were meant to from me. All relationships are not meant to last forever, I understand that now. I will always wear my heart on my sleeve because that is where it was always been. I will not stop giving my love freely because I do not get it in return or because others do not understand it. I love for me, and no one else. I give love freely because everyone deserves to be loved. Do to others as you’d want them to do to you. That is how I have always lived my life, and I always will. I expect nothing from you in return, my love is free. Everyone is different and I cannot expect from them as I would do, I can only control my actions and reactions.

Love is the best give you can give anyone but first you must find it for yourself. People may be hard to love, love them anyways they are the ones who need it the most. Some of us lock our hearts away, or build walls around them, love them anyway they are simply afraid. We all defend ourselves whatever way works best for us, love is the answer to every question and to every sorrow. Love is all we need and all we crave. Simply open your heart and give love to another and watch how it brightens their day. Watch how contagious love is, and how it spreads like wild fire when given the chance. We are all born with love in our hearts, it never leaves us. We simply push it down out of fear, but what happens if you let it rise. If you let love engulf every ounce of your being, wouldn’t life be so much more enjoyable.

Love is all there is, it is all that matters. It’s a universal language that everything understands and that everything is born from.



Brake free

I have started to see things seemingly for the first time; my eyes closed yet wide open. Perhaps it is my change in perspective or just my appreciation for a simple, quiet life but I have noticed something that is very wrong with us. Now when I say “us” I can only speak for the country I live in, America.

I was on Facebook the other day, adding photos to my blog page. I began to scroll and I came across this post about a television show. I began to read the comments, and it was just a bunch of people crying because the show was cancelled. They weren’t satisfied with reasons it was canceled so they began to bring politics into it. I started to make me think, this is what is wrong with us.

We are taught that everything is right or wrong, black or white, anti vs pro that most only see only one side of things, their side. We’ve been brainwashed without even knowing it has been done to us. So blinded by how we are supposed to feel, act and think that we cannot see what has been done to us. Prisoners to the material possessions we cherish so deeply, because without them we are nothing. Prisoners to a way of thinking that just doesn’t work anymore, so afraid to step out of our comfort zone; that to be honest isn’t that comfortable. Prisoners to the television, being told what to buy, what to wear, how you should look. It is all a lie, it is all an illusion.

We have become so divided and hate driven that we can no longer see what we are becoming. We choose not to see the truth, even though it is right in front of us. Using religion and race as an excuse to spread more hate and violence; you are different from us and we cannot allow that. Only attending church to feel better about all the sins you’re guiltily of. Forgetting that the message of religion is to love one another and to be delighted in our differences, and embrace them.

I am ashamed of how we have allowed ourselves to be controlled, manipulated and divided. I am ashamed of what we’ve become. We are capable of so much more than this. So many are afraid of being an induvial that they would much rather be lost of in the crowd. My hope for us is that we turn off the television, get rid of your cell phones and spend time doing something you love. Sit and read a book, work in the garden, get a cup of coffee and sit in the park, take a hike and be surrounded with trees. Spend time being in the present, with the ones you love. These are the memories that will outlast any material possession you have. As you get older you will see how important these moments are, and how much you begin to cherish them.

Take a break from the world, sit in the quiet, and just be simply as you are. We are not robots who are programmed to be a certain way, or are we? We have the ability to be our own person. You don’t have to follow the crowd until you die, brake free. You can be anything you want to be, and you do can do whatever you want to do. Work hard and stay focused. Failing is how you climb the ladder to success, you cannot be great at something until you’ve failed at it. Never give up on your dreams because anything IS possible. Life is simply a matter of perspective.


Have a blessed day everyone xoxo




Who Inspires You??

Who Inspires You?

This is a question I have been asked recently; it sparked something inside me and made me see just inspiring others are to me. I never noticed how many inspire me each and every day….

My husband is my daily inspiration, he works so hard for us so that I can stay home and pursue my dream of writing and inspiring everyone to simply love. Without him none of this would have happened, he inspires me to grow, to keep working hard, and have faith that everything will work out for the better. His love runs so deeply for me, and that in itself is an inspiration.

My dog, Norman inspires me to take time for myself, he reminds me that rest is important part of life. He inspires me to love the people that surrounding me, to hold no resentments or ill will. Just love them, and always be happy to see them. You never know when they will be gone.

My grandmother inspires me, even though she is not in human form anymore. The things she taught me, have never left. She inspires to be the beautiful goddess that I am. By being exactly who I am, no fake acts, no walls, just me through and through. She inspires me to always say kind words, saying hateful things only make you look bad. She inspires me to dance around like no one is watching, simply because I enjoy the song on the radio. She inspires me to be free, and live in happiness. She inspires me in so many ways, I’m sure I don’t even notice some of them.

The beauty of nature inspires me every day. I get most of my ideas for my writing while sitting on my front porch surrounded my lovely plants and gardens. They inspire me to grow roots, to be firmly planted but to also be free to share my beauty with the world. I simply need to be showed with love to blossom. They inspire me to be positive and share that energy with the world.

My hooping inspiration is Deanne Love. She inspires me to have fun with hooping while I’m learning something new. The love that she has for hooping shines through, and inspires me to pursue my love of hooping. It may be different and others may not understand, that’s okay. It isn’t my problem what others think of me. She inspires me, to never give up, even when I’m not getting the trick. Without her, I wouldn’t be the fierce hooping force I am today.

Most people, even strangers, inspire me. They inspire me to be more myself and radiate love more than ever. They inspire me by showing me who I don’t want to be. They inspire me by teaching me lessons of patience and understanding. The lessons and wisdom they share with me is often in part where my inspiration for writing comes from.

All you beauties inspire me. Keep fighting for what you want out of life. That is beautiful stuff, and you inspire me to never stop fighting, to never stop growing and to never stop loving. You are the true inspiration.

The world is a funny place, everyone you come into contact with affects you, mold you in some way or another. Everyone comes into your life for a reason, nothing happens by mistake or by chance. Be inspired by others, let others lift you up when you are weak and lift others when you are strong. The world is filled with so much beauty, make the most of it. You never know when it will be gone. xoxo

Dont forget to follow me on Instagram @bohemianexplorerblog  and on facebook/bohemianexplorer

Is fear ruling your life?

For most of my adult life I have thought that majority of people were afraid of death, and that this fear ran their entire lives. That is why they choose to let ego take over, and just put it on cruise control. But this morning when I woke up a profound thought came into my mind, one that I have been thinking about all morning and felt compelled to write about.

We all know people fear death, they fear coming face to face with all the things they have done in this life but what if it goes deeper than that. What if, the real fear is the fear of living. The fear of truly feeling alive, and living a life they have always seen for themselves.

Death it’s peaceful, it’s the end of everything (at least for this life.) Ultimately, death is easy, its comfort, it is everything most cannot find in life; this is why it’s so attractive. Living is hard, it’s challenging, painful, and raw. At times it can be downright miserable but it can also be the most blissful experience your soul as ever had.

Life & death are nothing to be fearful of. We all must live and we all must die. If you live a life of kindness, and compassion than death has no meaning. The sad reality for most is they are hard, cruel and self-involved. For these people I simply say, death is not what you have to fear, karma is. The force of the universe is you get what you give, karma cannot be escaped from, or paid off. She will always find you, even if it is not in this life; and even she is not to be feared. If you have dished out an endless amounts of hate, you should willingly take the hate that is then given to you; since that is what you attracted.

We do these things to ourselves, and most of the time it is without knowing or understand that we have. The law of attraction is what you think will come to be. If you think of all the things you don’t what to happen, that that what you will attract into your life. If you instead focus on all the things you wish to bring into your life, then that is what will find you. To quote The Dirty Heads “The love that you give will be repaid in full…” Everything will find its way back to you, so if for no other reason be kind, and show compassion for others. Living in fear only take you out of the present, you cannot enjoy life while living in fear. Take each moment of your life and cherish it; each breathe is a gift.

We are all struggling with life, we don’t need to be the reason someone feels worse about themselves. We are here to pick others up off the ground, to lend a helping hand, or a shoulder to cry on. We are all in this together. We have chosen different paths for ourselves, different reason for being on this beautiful earth. Remember your purpose, find your passion and let yourself shine!




P.S. – I love you, I hope you are inspired by the words I send to you. Never give up and never loose focus. Dream big and make it happen! xoxo

Life of undying hope, part 3

The next turning point in my life would happen just a few years later when I was 17. I just graduated high school and I was so happy to be done with school. It never really held my attention because I didn’t care about the things we learned. That summer I had met a guy, and we started dating. It wasn’t long after we started dating that he got possessive and totally changed. When I met him he was charming and sweet and seemingly overnight he had become an entirely different person. One evening we went to his house nobody else was home so we went up to his room to watch movies. I’ll never forget it, he put Sin City (to this day I still cannot watch that movie) on and he started to get forceful with me. I told him that he was hurting me, and that I wasn’t ready but it didn’t seem to matter. He pinned me down on his bed and sexual assaulted me. I have never felt so worthless and low in my life. He told me that it was my fault, that I was being a tease and deserved what I had coming. For some reason I believed him, I ate up every word he said to me. That would be the last time I saw him, or talked to him. I never told anyone for years; it wasn’t until a few years ago that I told my mother.

After this happened to me, I went home and just stood in the shower trying to feel clean but it never happened. I always felt as if I had a layer of scum on me that seemed to be a part of me now. I went spiraling into the deepest depression I have ever been in. I went into the darkest part of myself, hearing this little voice in my head saying the worst things about myself and me accepting them to be true. After all, when my dad was angry he would say thing to me like “You’re fat” or “No one could ever love you, you aren’t worthy of love” so with the man I am supposed to look up to saying these things, I believed every word of it. Things got so dark for me, I stopped eating, I didn’t want to live anymore and I thought about killing myself. I didn’t want to live this way anymore, I couldn’t take it. I was just sick of it all, so I found another way. I turned to drugs, alcohol and sex. The drugs and alcohol would take all of my pain away, they would make me forget why I was sad, lonely, and depressed. The sex was easy; it was meaningless and empty just like I was. Everything I had was already stolen from me, so I had nothing left to loose. This way of living worked for me for years, until one day it didn’t anymore.

I knew that I had to do something to take my life back, that the darkness had control over me and I needed out. So I did something that I hadn’t done since my grandma had passed away; went to church. My friend and I woke up early one Sunday, got dressed and went to church. I was nervous going in, I had been so long that I didn’t know what to expect. I felt completely out of place, I wanted to leave but my friend pushed me to go forward so I did, I put the holy water over my heart. I sat down, pulled down my knee pad and began to pray like I had never prayed before. I asked for forgiveness and guidance. I knew that I had given into the darkness that surrounded me that I had taken the easy way out. I finished my prayer said “Amen” and sat through the service. We got the bread and wine, and soon after we left. Walking out of that church I felt like I had been reborn. That everything I had done was forgiven and I was ready to start a new journey for myself. Driving away I felt like I had an angel flying over my car with me, protecting me and guiding me.

It wasn’t long after that I had met a guy that changed my life. I stopped hanging out with people that offered me nothing positive in return. I stopped doing drugs pervious to meeting him but was now forever done with it. I even stopped drinking for a while. I was done with it all; I no longer needed to a way out. I was with him for four years, he changed my life in so many ways but ultimately he reminded me to much of my father so I did what was best for me and left. It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, but I did it for me. I knew that I had put everything into the relationship that I could but it would never be enough for me. I didn’t belong with him and it became very clear to me.  After moving out, I felt like this huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I trusted in myself enough to know that this was the right thing for me. Nothing else mattered but my happiness. I had to come first.

I was finishing up schooling to get a job that I loved, so I had to move in with my parents. It was time for me to get my life in order; I knew my happy ending was out there somewhere I just needed to know what I wanted. To love myself for once; self-esteem has always been something I have struggled with, not feeling worthy enough or always thinking someone has a motive behind why they are talking to me. A lot of damage had been done to me in my life but I no longer was willing to let that damage define who I was. Little by little I started to love myself again, wearing make-up to make myself feel pretty. Dressing by how I felt and not what I thought I had to wear. I started to trust myself more and more, letting my intuition lead the way. Never giving up hope, and knowing that something better was waiting for me.

Five months after leaving a relationship that done a number on me, I met my now husband. Upon meeting him I felt completely comfortable and was simply myself. I will admit I was nervous because he was so handsome but the way I instantly felt about him was something I’d never felt before. It wasn’t long after dating that we moved in together, bought a house, got a dog and before we knew it we were married. I knew from the moment I kissed him he was my home, the person that I was meant to live the rest of my life with. I always knew I wasn’t going to marry a man like my father; I was not going to put my children through the same things that I went through. So I was aware and I wasn’t afraid to do what was best for me. And in return I am lucky to spend the rest of my life with a very loving man. When you take a leap of faith, the universe always rewards you.

If I have learned anything from my life it’s that you have to trust yourself. You have to do what is best for you; you choose how your life will turn out. Even in the darkest of times I see why everything needed to happen the way it has. Everything truly happens for a reason; it has taught me so many lessons.  Not everyone has your best intention at heart, everyone has their own issues they are working through, that in order to be happy in a relationship you must first be happy with yourself. You cannot take care of others if you do not first take care of yourself. No matter what you think you cannot change anyone, they must change themselves. You will only get hurt in the process. Some people are okay being lost and afraid; it isn’t your burden to bare. People will only respect you as much as you respect yourself.

I cherish every wrong turn I have taken, every lessoned learned, and every experience I have had. All of which have made me the person I am today. I have made no mistakes in my life; every turning point has been a reason to grow stronger, a reason to grow. I have no regrets in my life either, everything has played out exactly how it was meant to and for that I am grateful. I am no longer ashamed of the past that used to haunt me.  I wear my scars proudly, because to me they only show my strength against all odds. They are proof that I have been to hell and back and that I am more alive and stronger than ever. I am simply a human dealing with the cards I’ve been dealt, making the best out of my hand being thankful for everything along the way. I have always believed that love was waiting for the right time and for me.

No matter what you’re going through or what has happened in your life, you are the master of your destiny. You can choose to be happy or you can choose to be miserable. Either way the choice is yours and yours alone. You do not need to wait for someone to save you from your life, save yourself. Be your own hero, love yourself, and give yourself the love that you so freely give to others. Forgive yourself, so you can move forward. You deserve to be happy, go find it; take that leap of faith. Go live your life for you. The world is waiting for, it’s time to dive in.

Life of undying hope, part 2

I remember the little apartment my mother and I had. It was perfect, some of the best times of my childhood where in that apartment, so many memories. My mother did everything she could for me; working as much as she could just to be sure I had what I needed. I will always be grateful for the amount of love she showers me with. I was always a mama’s girl; she was my go to woman for everything I needed. I’m not sure how long we lived in our little apartment but I do remember not wanting to leave even though we did. We had returned back to the home I had grown to feel so unsafe in, a home that I felt alone and unloved in. For a long time, I hated that my mother had brought me back to our home. We were doing fine in our apartment, on our own; we didn’t need to come back. I hadn’t missed the fighting and yelling at all.

It wasn’t long after we moved back that it all began again, the never ending fighting, and yelling. The chaos that surrounded me began to affect me deeply, and without me even noticing what was happening. I had come to think that all of this was normal, that this is how everyone’s house hold is. People get angry and this is what happens; yelling and screaming at each other is how relationships should be. Yet every time I would go my grandparents’ house I see and feel the complete opposite. My grandparents were like another set of parents to me, especially my grandmother. She filled all the gaps I had in my life, teaching me things my mother didn’t. Showing me that love and family are the most important things in life. When I would see my grandparents together, you could tell how much in love with each other they were. Yeah, they would call each other silly names but at the end of the day the love was always there. They had a respect for each other that I had never seen before. In a way, I looked up to them more than I did my own parents. Everything about their relationship seems right to be. Their home was the only place I felt safe, the only place I could run to when I was afraid. There was often times when I would spend the night with them, they were my favorite nights. We would look through old photos, and grandma would tell me who everyone was. We’d watch Wheel of Fortune; I’d call out letters even though I didn’t know the answer to the puzzle. My grandparents were my saving grace; (whether or not they knew that I don’t know) they showed me what a normal, healthy relationship is. That your house should be filled with light and love. They showed me everything opposite of what I thought to be true.  I never understood how my father could be so different from his parents, I later found out why but that is not my story to tell.

I had never experienced death before I was 13 but that would be the age I lost one of the most important people in my life. Such a life changing point in my life; something that still feels me with grief and sadness. In May of 2000, my beloved grandmother would pass away. I was with her the day she had her stroke, I will never forget it. I was at her house, and I knew something was wrong. Something about her was off; she was shaky and didn’t seem to be her normal self. She got a cup of coffee and a cigarette, telling me “this will help me feel better” and me telling her that it won’t help. She told me to call one of my cousins that were a nurse, I did and she came right over. She had told grandma she was having a stroke and she needed to go to the hospital. It is a blur from there; I remember getting to the hospital and her blood pressure being through the roof. She was admitted, I never saw her in hospital room that I remember. The next day I went to see my sister and my other grandma. I spent the night and called my mom on Sunday to see how grandma was doing in the hospital. I remember mom saying “everything is fine, she is doing well” and me knowing it was a lie. I didn’t want to believe myself though, so I didn’t. Mom picked me up and brought me home. I wanted to go see grandma, and she sat me down and told me grandma had passed away. I lost it, my entire world felt like it was caving in around me, what I would do without a woman who had done so much for me. I said I wanted to go see poppy, so my parents took me out there. I saw poppy and gave him the biggest hug I had ever given him before. I could see in his eyes how lost and heartbroken he was. He had lost a woman he had spent most of his life with. It never felt real, like I was living a bad dream that I couldn’t wake up from. Putting grandma to rest was one of the hardest days of my life. Even though I knew her spirit wasn’t very far away, It has never been the same without her.

After the loss of my grandmother I began to see my family that I had loved so much begin to fall apart. We stopped seeing everyone on the holidays, poppy would come over for Christmas instead of everyone going to his house. I never understood the expression “Mothers are the glue that holds a family together” but now I understood it all too clearly. I could see everything I had cherished coming to an end, and it certainly did. I wouldn’t see my family for 12 years; we became strangers to one another.


Life of undying hope, part 1

I have been toying with the idea of writing a book about all the trauma and opposition I have faced in my life and how I overcame it all with positive thinking, strength and a never ending hope. As I think more and more on this, I don’t think it is right. I don’t want you to pay for something that I am sharing from my heart. I want to share my life with you, so that you can be inspired to never give up. That no matter what you’re faced with, know that you can overcome it. So it isn’t about the money to me, it’s about helping you so that you know are as beautiful as the sky, and each burst of darkness is just a passing storm. Just like storms they always leave. So the sky can shine as beautifully once more. Everything passes, nothing is permanent.

So with that being said, I am going to share my life with you. The times that truly affected me in ways that I still see how they affect me, and have changed me. I will share with you parts of my life most of my family doesn’t even know about. I will share all the hidden secrets; I will share everything. A part of me is scared to do so because in return I will be absolutely naked to the world but the rest of me feels like I need to be brave and do this. It is part a therapy for me but mostly for you. As I have always said part of my journey is writing and sharing with you; so you know you are never alone. You are never the only one going through something. There is always light to be found, even in the darkest of places. I hope to make you stronger and more fearless even in darkest of times. These times do not define you, they simply guide and teach you the lessons you need to learn. You are defined by who you choose to be and who you become.

Now for how lengthy this post has become I am will be sharing it in three parts. They will be all titled the same thing just parts 1, 2, and 3. So you can easily find them.

Here we go….

My life has had its ups and down, just as everyone else. I have faced darkness and despair. Just like the phoenix I’ve risen from my ashes to become more than I ever thought possible. I know that my life isn’t the hardest as they come, that others have it worse off than me. This isn’t a competition of who had the worse up bringing this is simply my story from my point of view and how I was affected. I would like to take this time to say to my parents who may or may not read this, I love you. I understand know that everything you did and have done was what you thought to be the best for me. That you were simply doing what you were taught, and I do not hold that against you. I will always have an undying love for you, you are the reason I am alive and the reason I was created. I am simply sharing my life so that I may help inspire another. This is not meant to be an attack or to make you look bad.

I grew up like most middle class children in 90’s, I watched cartoons on nickelodeon, colored in my coloring books, played outside with my friends, and was just a kid. My childhood was great, I had a family that loved me, all my needs were taken care of, and I had everything that I needed to survive. What was lacking more was my emotional needs.

From an early age I knew I had a half-sister, she did not live with me (so I basically grew up as an only child.) I would see her every weekend; I loved the time I got to spend with her. So much so that I never wanted to leave her, I always wondered why we could not live together. Why we had to be apart, I asked my mother a few times why it had to be this way and I remember never being satisfied with her answers. Grownups never really tell the truth to children in hopes in protecting them or saying they wouldn’t understand. As a child and even still now, I think children are wiser than we give them credit for. In my eyes my half-sister has always been my full sister. I have always loved her as a sister and a dear friend, even though I never felt the sisterly bond between us. I have always been proud to call her my sister. Recently we have reconnected, and it has meant the world to me.

As a child I loved my daddy, I adored him. I looked up to him and wanted to find a man just like him. He was everything to me; I would play with his hair and put it up in little pony tails. We would play pretty pretty princess together. He would sit me on his knee and bounce me up and down. I loved every moment I spent with him. He is a beautiful soul, with so much light and love inside of him. Sadly, however he chooses to let the darkness within him lead the way from time to time. Growing up you would have to be careful what you said, and what you did because you never really knew when he would get angry. There were many times when I would escape to my room, put on my headphones and just hide away from all the yelling and fighting. I remember he would get into these fits of rage and break all my mother’s things, simply to hurt her. He would destroy the house, and everyone in it. There was a point where he become physically abusive, and we moved out.