Over the past few days I have become increasingly aware of the next step I need to take in my spiritual journey. I knew I wanted to rid myself of old thinking patterns that no longer work for me. Old belief systems that are old and worn out, and that I no longer believe to be true. Basically, getting rid of everything that no longer resonates with me. I need to find myself again, and re align with my highest potential. I knew that in knowing all of this I was on the right path, I just didn’t know how to accomplish the task. So I took to the spiritual group I am in, they are like family to me. I knew that they would understand and give me guidance and advice. Many people commented with their advice but out of all of them, only one resonated with me. She wrote, “You may need to forgive your parents as a child. I am going through the same thing, and that is what I have begun to do.” It’s like a lightbulb went off, that is exactly what I needed to do; I just knew it. I read a couple articles on this topic, and as I read it became clearer and clearer that my inner child was screaming out to me for help.
I went on YouTube to see if they had any meditation videos on this topic, and sure enough they did. I got comfortable, and begun to relax for a few minutes. Once I got settled, I started the video, took some deep breathes and relaxed further. As the mediation progressed I came to this place were all my memories of my childhood, that are linked to her pain, are all stored. I could see all these little clouds of memories, I could hear the echoes of them all around me. Until one of them stood out the most, I don’t know why this one stood out the most. Perhaps because it the newest wound, or it’s the most vivid in my mind. Whatever the reason, I entered this memory. Everything was as I remembered it expect for one part. Instead of me being an adult, I was a child. This is how I see myself when I mediate, when I dream, and when I go to my happy place. I am always a little blonde haired girl, with a white cotton dress, and no shoes. It was at this point that I realized, this is how I still see myself. I still see myself as this little girl that is broken, hurt, and sad. A little girl who just wants to be enough, accepted, and loved. So many people tell me they love me but very few actually show it. As someone who runs off emotions, I want to feel your love, anyone can say it but not everyone can make you feel it.
So here I am in this memory, with myself, I take her hand and tell her “You don’t need to be sad anymore, I am here to protect you and keep you safe. The people that inflected pain upon you shows more about them than you. There is nothing wrong with you, and you no longer need to feel that there is.” I asked her what she needs to do to heal, “I need to forgive everyone that has hurt me. You have forgiven them but I haven’t. I need to, it is time” she replied. I then tell her “You had no control over the situation, there is nothing that you could’ve done.” With a tear running down her cheek, she smiles and says “I know.” “We have control our life now, we choose what happens to us. Which is why we must forgive our parents, we cannot allow them to have control over us any longer.” She then whispers something to me, which I do not remember. I then come out of the mediation and fall right asleep.
Upon waking, I still feel some lingering sadness, which I will feel as deeply as I know how to. I may even have a beautiful release of tears. This pain was created by tears so it only seems fitting that I release it the same way.
Remember we are never really done growing and evolving, we all have traumas and pain we carry with us. Be gentle to one another, spread love, be kind, and smile. There is much beauty to be found in all of us