With the super moon over the weekend my energy has been crazy. I know the moon is bringing with it new beginnings and a release, and I am definitely feelings the effects of it. No matter how much work you do on yourself somethings affect you so deeply that the scares they left behind still remain. You think that you have worked passed it, and released all that is associated with it and yet, years later it reemerges to your surprise. This is where I am at currently.
In my late teens I found myself in a bad place, surrounded with people that didn’t care about me. I didn’t care about myself either then; I was just looking for an escape from all the pain I was feeling. I was being mentally abused, told things that no one should come to hear, and let alone believe. I really don’t even know what I was looking for, or who I was looking for. I was so lost, and sad.
One ex-boyfriend would tell me on a daily basis that he cheated on me because I was not worthy of love, and so ugly that no one would ever love me. That I should be happy he is sticking around because he can do better. These words cut me so deeply that it only made things worse but I still stayed with him. Looking back on it now, I don’t even know why I stayed. My guess would be that he was a damaged soul in need of saving, and it was my job to do that. I used to believe I could save the world and everyone in it. Now I believe that we can only change ourselves and our world.
What most people don’t understand is how deeply words can affect someone. Words are not just words, they are knifes that cut so deep the wound never fully heals. Words can lift someone up, or rip someone down. There is a lot of power in the words we say, more power then we give it credit for.
I thought that even though this was close to 10 or so years ago I had healed from it. I had thanked all of those who had hurt me for the lessons they taught me. I released so much, crying until I had no tears left to cry; forgiving so that I could heal and yet the scar remains. That’s the thing about words; they creep into your soul and into your mind. Not giving them another thought at the time meanwhile they are nesting themselves into the fiber of your being. So that they can surface later, sometimes surfacing so often that you begin to believe them; thinking they are your truth. It wipes away every ounce of self-esteem, self-love, and self-worth you ever had; leaving only charred remains of a person left.
I have been in a loving relationship with my husband for 4 years; I know that he loves me without a doubt. Yet, the voices from lovers past tell me their lies. Trying to infect every relationship I ever have. I know have the strength to ignore them and turn their volume down. There are still things I struggle with but I am healing and moving past the pain of the past a little each day. My hope is that one day their voices will fade away and never return. I no longer believe their lies, and that is how I will defeat them. I know my worth and will settle for nothing less. I have found a love within myself for myself that I never knew existed. A strong woman will always threaten a weak man but a strong woman will always compliment a strong man.