A glimpse into my soul

A few weeks ago, I saw a dear friend of mine; who also happens to be my reiki master. We did some past life stuff, but also did a tarot card reading. The cards told me that I should do mirror work. Earlier in the day we had discussed it, it something I had never done but have heard great things can come from it. My friend told me she had done this and all the experiences she had from it; and how it helped aid her in spiritual journey.

For those that do not know what mirror work is, it’s when you look in the mirror at yourself. You look into your eyes, since they are the window to the soul; you have an experience of some sort. I was hesitant to do this because of my dislike of mirrors. I am not sure what it is about them but I have never cared for them much. This is why I only have mirror in the bathrooms and don’t look into them often.

Well yesterday, when my husband was home I took the time to try this work. I went into the experience with fear so it only makes sense that I saw, what I saw. I sat down in my room; I got comfortable and began to look in the mirror. After several minutes passed my eyes began to water (which still makes sense to me, since I was still blinking like normal.) Then I saw my face change, it was a face of what I can only assume I demon would look like. It had bumps all over its red skin, it was just darkness. After I saw this face I got a terrible headache. It was at this point that is discounted the work. Everything I had feared about the experience is what I saw.

I don’t know if I saw what I saw because of the fear or if there was a reason. For me this is how I took it….

From all my past life work I know that there was a time when I gave into the darkness. It was easy and I wanted revenge so badly that the cost did not matter. For this I am forever linked to the darkness, it lives inside of me. It is not who I am but it is a part of me. I do not accept these parts of myself, I hide from it. It wants to be free, but I only try harder to lock it away. The reason I saw this face first and so quickly is because it is the part of myself that I need to accept. It is not who I am but it was who I was once. And for this running from it only means I’m running from myself. I need to accept all parts of myself, negative and positive because all of these things make me who I am. We cannot have light without dark. Once I accept this darkness as my own, I will have no reason to be fearful. I will have control over my life and over my actions. Something that I must understand is just because we have a darker side to our soul doesn’t make us a bad person. In fact, it simply makes us human. I am a work in progress; I am getting where I need to be and where I am meant to be.

Owning our darkness is one of the bravest things we can do for ourselves.

Election year of negativity

Something that seems to be unavoidable these days is the election. I am someone who does not vote, so I pay little attention to it. This election year is different though, it’s in  my face when I am not even looking for it. It’s the year that most people believe that the two choices we have are both unfit and are disliked. Personally I am sick of getting asked who I’m voting for, and getting a lecture when I tell them I am not voting. I am sick of the country being divided over this election, don’t people understand the government wants us to be divided. As long as we are divided we cannot unite as one and rebel. I will be happy when Election Day has come and gone so this endless negativity can end.

I have watched more debates this year than ever before, mostly because my husband watches them. The things I witness on the tv screen make me cringe, instead of getting to the facts and answering the questions asked. They name call, belittle, and rip into each other. They shape their truths to the way they want them to be seen, instead of how they are. Everything about it makes me loose hope in our beautiful country. I don’t know about the rest of you but I am not happy with either of these two representing me or my home. They show the worst parts of humanity, instead of the best. They should be someone that’s honorable, respectful and peaceful but they are none of these either. I don’t know how we got to this point in our country’s history but it is truly saddening. We will never know peace until we give up power, and that is something I don’t think will happen. I’m scared for what will become of our country, and of ourselves; we are headed down a dark path of distraction. The only way out is to be with the light. Stay peaceful when you are faced with hate. Stay within the light, so that you can spread it to another. It is always darkest before the dawn.

Childlike Wonder

I have thinking a lot lately about how children act.  They are honest, loving, friendly, and do what they want. They view the world with such shock and awe. The world is something to be explored and everything is magical. When is it exactly when we decide it is time to lock our inner child away? I wonder what we think doing this will accomplish.

On Sunday I got to meet a unicorn at our local renaissance faire. My inner child came out; she was so excited and let it show. I got to pet this beautiful white horse; I even had my picture taken with her. People laughed at my excitement level but I did not care. I will always be “too much” for someone, and those people aren’t for me. Anyone that says you’re “too much” isn’t deserving of your presence. You continue to be “too much”, you continue to be everything that makes people scared. The magic you have inside of yourself can change the world.

I have always let my inner child run free; she is the purest part of me. She is innocent and free. Loving what she loves and doesn’t care about what the world says. She will get excited over little things; she will laugh often and love just as much. That is what I love about her so much. Locking her away would only dim my spirit; it would make me sad and incomplete. I love seeing the world with childlike wonder; I know the darkness of this world but still choose to see all the light within it.

I urge you to talk to child, see the world in their eyes. Sometimes all it takes is a talk with a 5 year old to find perspective about life.

Dream catcher

In our home we have a spare room in the front of our house, which I have converted into my room. It’s where I put my crystals, tarot decks, just everything I love all in one space. I burn sage and sweet grass daily, often as I write to help me find my center. I recently made a dream catcher, whdreamcatcherich I have become quite fond of.  I hung it in my room, on a curtain rod; so it can hang in the window and show the world its beauty. It’s my favorite spot in our home, I love to just look out the window through my dream catcher and see the clouds passing by. Or watch th
e dream catcher dance with the breeze. There is something so magical about it, that I can’t take my eyes off of it. It puts me in a trace like state; it just relaxes me and helps me retreat to a place of peace. I often look through the web part of the dream catcher and out into the sky. I’m not sure why I feel so comforted by it but I just cant seem to look away. As a whole the dream catcher just radiates such beauty and love. I guess that is what happens when we put a piece of ourselves into the things that we create, they radiate all the love we put into it. Never stop creating, and never stop putting yourself into the art. Everything you create is a masterpiece, and you are your best piece.

Currently…

I have all of beautiful things and people around me but yet, I feel empty. Unsatisfied, as if I am not living up to my fullest potential;  what is it inside of me that makes feel this way? I believe it to be a discontent with my spirit. I meditate, practice reiki, hoop, stay grounded but yet something is still off. I believe that something is starting to come to the surface, a huge release perhaps. I have been working on digging into my past lives so that I can get over the fears I’ve held onto for so long.

I feel as if I have only being giving half of myself to the people that surround me. I am unsure what has happened that made me begin to act this way. I have lost myself in my writings this past week, diving deep into the way I feel on a soul level. I just feel incomplete and am unsure what piece I am now missing. All that I can do is stay on this path and let it play out. I am sure there will be a lesson or growth to come from this. Things are always rain before the rainbow.  I know that I am growing each day; I am not the same as I was yesterday and I will be different tomorrow than I am today. I will stay focused on the things that matter the most to be; continuing to do things that make me come alive. I will stay positive and have faith that the universe has the best in store for me. The human experience is so beautiful if you allow it to be, look on the bright side of life. There is good to come from all things, you just have to be willing to see them.

Path to enlightenment

I have come to notice so many things lately, so much is going on. I have finished my soul coaching book. I have a whole new outlook on life and the spirit within myself. You are always home if you find comfort within yourself. It is not our place to judge, it only are place to love. Our spirit is linked to everything; all of your problems, fears, illness, everything. Our bodies tells us what it needs, we simply have to listen. We must take time for ourselves, so that we can recharge. Sitting in the quite for a few minutes a day can transform you day, even your life.

We are all works in progress, each soul has something to learn and knowledge to gain. No one person is better than another, we are equal, and we’re all the same. We are all souls having a human experience. The path to enlightenment is not easy but it is the path we all must take. There is much knowledge to learn from one another, even if it’s how not to be. Moments of kindness are so hard to come by; when they do present themselves they warm my heart with love and light. We are all meant to help one another, and to work together.

When you stop complaining about life and start to appreciate it, it will become positive. Complaining only brings more negativity into your life. Being grateful on the other hand can only bring more positivity and light into your life. If there is something you don’t like, change it. You are the master of your own destiny; you and you alone decide the outcome of your life. We decide what affects us, and how it affects us. Take responsibility for your choices and stop blaming others.

There are too many beautiful things in this world to get caught up in the webs of negativity. Free yourself from the things that cage you, the things that hold you down. So that you can be free and become everything you were meant to be.

Words cut deep

With the super moon over the weekend my energy has been crazy. I know the moon is bringing with it new beginnings and a release, and I am definitely feelings the effects of it. No matter how much work you do on yourself somethings affect you so deeply that the scares they left behind still remain. You think that you have worked passed it, and released all that is associated with it and yet, years later it reemerges to your surprise. This is where I am at currently.

In my late teens I found myself in a bad place, surrounded with people that didn’t care about me. I didn’t care about myself either then; I was just looking for an escape from all the pain I was feeling. I was being mentally abused, told things that no one should come to hear, and let alone believe. I really don’t even know what I was looking for, or who I was looking for. I was so lost, and sad.

One ex-boyfriend would tell me on a daily basis that he cheated on me because I was not worthy of love, and so ugly that no one would ever love me. That I should be happy he is sticking around because he can do better. These words cut me so deeply that it only made things worse but I still stayed with him. Looking back on it now, I don’t even know why I stayed. My guess would be that he was a damaged soul in need of saving, and it was my job to do that. I used to believe I could save the world and everyone in it. Now I believe that we can only change ourselves and our world.

What most people don’t understand is how deeply words can affect someone. Words are not just words, they are knifes that cut so deep the wound never fully heals. Words can lift someone up, or rip someone down. There is a lot of power in the words we say, more power then we give it credit for.

I thought that even though this was close to 10 or so years ago I had healed from it. I had thanked all of those who had hurt me for the lessons they taught me. I released so much, crying until I had no tears left to cry; forgiving so that I could heal and yet the scar remains. That’s the thing about words; they creep into your soul and into your mind. Not giving them another thought at the time meanwhile they are nesting themselves into the fiber of your being. So that they can surface later, sometimes surfacing so often that you begin to believe them; thinking they are your truth. It wipes away every ounce of self-esteem, self-love, and self-worth you ever had; leaving only charred remains of a person left.

I have been in a loving relationship with my husband for 4 years; I know that he loves me without a doubt. Yet, the voices from lovers past tell me their lies. Trying to infect every relationship I ever have. I know have the strength to ignore them and turn their volume down. There are still things I struggle with but I am healing and moving past the pain of the past a little each day. My hope is that one day their voices will fade away and never return. I no longer believe their lies, and that is how I will defeat them. I know my worth and will settle for nothing less. I have found a love within myself for myself that I never knew existed. A strong woman will always threaten a weak man but a strong woman will always compliment a strong man.

Set your limits

Something that I struggle with on a daily basis is where to set my limits. When do I say enough is enough, I love you but you do not help me in reaching my highest potential. I have no problem doing this with friends, or even lovers but when it comes to family it’s tough.

I often feel like they are the ones that should be there for you when times are tough but often times, at least for me, they aren’t. It’s only when they need you that they reappear in your life. Which I can’t vibe with; if you aren’t going to be around for all the wonderful things then you shouldn’t be around when things are terrible. I am all for giving advice but it can be so draining to give to others only to get nothing in return.  And how about those family member that are just so negative it physically pains you. You see the truth behind the mask, but can’t seem to break through to the person behind it. It’s like they can’t see all the pain they put on the ones that love and cherish them; the mask that protects them is also the mask that harms them. You see the dimly lit light within them but have no way to help them. At what point do you give up on them? At what point do you say, I can’t do this anymore, you are hurting my spirit and I cannot allow that.

I am someone who doesn’t like to give up on people, not everyone is a lost cause. But I have also worked so hard to get where I am in my journey that I am not willing to be pushed down by negativity. I do not allow friends, or other people to do this to me so why should family be any different? I’ll tell you why, I want them to be proud of me. I want the things I do to be enough, even though they never will be. I just want them to tell me that they love me and mean it. The things I long for may never come but these are the things that hold me here. They force to me to stay with an ounce of hope that one day things may be different. One day is a lovely thought but I am truly losing hope.

Wishing someone will see how they hurt the ones they love is a sad reality that I live in. Maybe I am all wrong and they do see what they do to others but just don’t care. Or don’t know how to the fix the damage they have done, believing it is beyond repair. Whatever the case may be I only know how I feel. The struggle is so real that it aches inside my soul. Constantly playing tug of war with yourself  just may be one of the worst feelings in the world.

We own nothing

We all have things we possess in this world. We all own material things like computers, phones, beds…you get the point. But often times I notice that people believe they own another person or a pet. I don’t know about you but I have a hard time with this. The only things we can lay claim to owning is stuff; the people that we love, the animals that have become family we lay no claim to them. They are simply sharing their loves with us because they love us and want to. If a person doesn’t want to spend their lives with you they would leave, same as any pet. If they wanted to leave, they would.  You cannot make people stay when they want to leave either. I mean you can but they will only be there physically.

I have a hard time even saying my husband or my dog. I don’t know how to say it other than that though. We are linked together but yet I do not own them. They are free to do as they choose; I know that they will return to me when they are ready to. Freedom is so important in a relationship; allowing the time for each of you to do your own thing. So when you do return to your partner the time is cherished.

If you do think that you own another then you may want to look at why you think this way. Are you afraid of them leaving? Do you not trust them? Really analyze what is going on; there is a reason why you feel this way. Once you see it you can work on changing it. People will come and they will go from your life, let them. It doesn’t mean anything about you, some people are meant to leave so something better can come along; while others are meant to stay. Life is like a revolving door of opportunity, and only you can decide what comes through.

Live life, don’t hold back

Let yourself shine, this is such a beautiful sentiment. So beautiful in fact, I have it tattooed on my forearm to remind me every day. So many of doubt ourselves, rate ourselves and think we overall aren’t good enough.  I know that I do this all time, I have been writing for my entire life and just recently started to share my words with everyone. I would always hide myself and thoughts away thinking the things I had to offer weren’t good enough. I have been thinking lately, why do we do this to ourselves? The answer I have come to is that we are so afraid of being rejected; we want to fit in, and be accepted. Our fear of rejection runs so deep that for most of us it rules us. It decides who we date, what we do, what we wear and how we act. Why do we give fear so much power? Even I don’t know the answer to this question.

I know for myself the things I write are my purest, truest parts of me. Sharing them with all of you is really terrifying. I know that the things I write are not ordinary, they are deep and meaningful. I go through this world making choices solely on the way something makes me feel. I feel everything so deeply that is a blessing and curse.  I have gotten to the point in my life where I knew it was time, time to break down my walls and share my thoughts. I want to help inspire all of you to find the beauty and the truth that’s inside of you. I want to show all of you that finding your true self and letting it shine is the best way, the only way we should live this life. There are still times where I doubt myself; I fall back into old ways of thinking. I quickly have to pull my mind out of that slump and go do something that makes me happy. I am still working on showing new people the real me and not being shy. I like to observe people so it is hard for me. I am also not the best at making friends when first meeting someone but I’m getting there. I just find the whole thing awkward and weird. It isn’t until I find common ground with someone that I can start to open up and get to know the real person.

Don’t hold yourself back, don’t hide. It’s the only way you can truly waste this life. Embrace all of your weirdness and uniqueness. That is what makes you so beautiful. Forget what people think or say, the life you live is only for you. As long as you’re happy with the choices you make then you’ve done all you need to do. Be proud of the things you love, of the things that makes the fire inside of you come alive. Be proud of the things you create, and who you are. Live life, don’t hold back. Show the world how fierce you are with all the love you radiate.